Reflections on Manners, Modernity, and Manhood
Introduction: The Quiet Disappearance of the Gentleman
“We make men without chests and expect of them virtue and enterprise.” — C.S. Lewis, The Abolition of Man
There was once a time when the word “gentleman” conjured the image of a man who, without flourish or applause, walked the world clothed in courtesy. He was not loud, nor was he perpetually trying to impress; he simply was. The gentleman did not seek to govern a room but to privilege it with his presence. And yet, in our times—these breathless, pixel-saturated, irony-laced times—the word has grown dim. Not extinct, for good things never quite die, but hidden, misunderstood, and in many quarters, openly mocked.
Gentlemanliness is now confused with either wealth or eccentricity, mistaken for frivolity, or worse, seen as a variety of social betrayal—a refusal to join the cynical hysterics of the age. But the gentleman is not a figure of nostalgia. He is a necessity, a discreet defiance against vulgarity, incivility, and the cult of congruity. He is not perfect—no man is—but he strives to uphold a standard, not to look down upon others, but to rise above his own lesser instincts.
This assortment, therefore, is not a manual of mannerisms but a meditation on meaning. It is a calm call to those who sense, in their souls, that dignity has not lost its value and that refinement is not vanity but reverence made visible.
OF BELCHES, BUTTER KNIVES, AND BUFFOONERY
“Manners are the silent language of virtue.” — Ralph Waldo Emerson
Imagine a society where to belch brashly after a meal is applauded, while to compliment the food with straightforward sincerity is met with suspicion—as though the act of appreciating flavour were a dangerous flirtation with death. Picture a world in which wine is sipped from brandy glasses for the sake of novelty, and where a man who knows the difference between a salad fork and a dinner fork is dismissed as pretentious, while a butter knife stabbed into marmalade becomes an object of anarchic humour.
In this curious inversion, it is deemed admirable to leap ahead in queues, while the man who dares to object is treated as a national embarrassment. The very act of placing an exclamation mark at the end of an email is met with inner shame, and the man who texts in complete sentences is viewed not as literate, but alien—as though sent from another planet to confuse the native dialect of “dis is ma numbr.”
If any of these peculiarities strike a chord with your experience or outlook, then I fear you may be an unwitting member of the gentleman’s club—an endangered breed in a world that considers boyishness gallant and gentlemanliness harlequinade. This, dear reader, is no trivial matter. For when the rudest become the trendsetters and the refined become the punchline, we are not merely rearranging social customs—we are dismantling the very virtues that anchor civility.
TAILORED TRUTHS – STYLE IS NOT SUBSTANCE
“Style is the perfection of a point of view.” — Richard Eberhart
By some exultant fortune of birth, hailing from aristocratic lineage, I have found myself in the company of men across many dominions—fashion, business, film, literature, politics. In these various orbits, I have observed one persistent illusion: that elegance is something one wears. To be adorned in the finest fabrics, to walk in shoes hand-stitched by some Parisian artisan, to slick one’s hair with the finest pomade—this, it is believed, constitutes class.
But what a woeful misunderstanding! True elegance, like true faith or virtue, is invisible to the eye. It is a state of mind. It begins in the soul. A genuine gentleman does not depend on his attire to announce his worth. He is equally at home in sneakers and jeans as he is in a made-to-measure suit. In being at ease with himself, he carves his own style—and that, in time, becomes his legacy.
Trends are transient, buffeted by the whims of designers and the fervour of markets. But the man who cultivates taste rather than fashion, subtlety rather than spectacle, and individuality rather than imitation—he is the one who shall stand when the winds of trendiness have shifted yet again.
THE GENTLE ART OF MODESTY AND KNOWING THAT THE GRAVE IS THE SAME SIZE FOR US ALL
“Pride makes us artificial and humility makes us real.” — Thomas Merton
Whether it was a Bentley or a custom-made Brioni, a Patek Philippe or a pair of John Lobb—these were, in my youth, the paraphernalia of our daily lives. But never were we educated to see them as symbols of superiority. Instead, we were told, tacitly and often, that all things and all people are equal, and that the tree which bears the most fruit bows the lowest.
It was made plain to us that reputation is life’s most precious capital, and that good carriages are the true wealth of any man—wealth that neither moth nor rust can corrupt. A gentleman, we were told, is as comfortable speaking to a watchman as he would be dining with a queen. He seeks depth, not glitter; meaning, not mirage.
He remembers that no matter how vast his house, or gleaming his car, or tailored his jacket, the size of his grave will match that of the beggar. Egotism may blind him, but mortality will level him. And the man who lives with this in view will walk in greater stateliness than the man who struts with borrowed airs.
POLITENESS AND PREJUDICE – THE QUEER IRONY AND THE MISLABELLING OF PROPRIETIES
“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.” — Ralph Waldo Emerson
I was in the tenth grade when I first encountered the savage irony that often attends deference. A classmate—clement, compassionate, and unfailingly courteous—was being whispered about. “Queer,” they said, though they acknowledged his clear affection for the opposite sex. The evidence? He visited friends when they were ill, left them handwritten notes, rose from his seat to greet a guest, and said ‘thank you’ and ‘sorry’ with unusual frequency.
Such demeanours, they said, were too ‘vintage,’ too soft—surely unmanly. I sniggered at first. Then I grew immovably appalled. Must masculinity now be proven by indifference and rudeness? Does tenderness now imply something disordered?
No one becomes homosexual by writing thank-you notes. Nor does one become heterosexual by thumping one’s chest like an ape. We must grow up—and quickly. For if we persist in equating refinement with deviance, we not only wrong the refined but contribute to a cruelty that may crush a serener soul. There are young men who live in terror of being themselves, because to be thoughtful is now ‘pansy,’ and to be lurid is to be strong.
But a well-groomed man knows better. He knows that bearings arise from upbringing, not orientation. That finesse is not an affectation but a second skin, as water is to fish. And he knows too that he cannot please everyone—and ought never to try. As Jim Morrison once wrote: “The most important kind of freedom is to be what you really are.”
THE TYRANNY OF THE PHONE AND THE GIFT OF PRESENCE
“Technology is a useful servant but a dangerous master.” — Christian Lous Lange
Even the mellowest man, I have observed, often transforms into a different creature when armed with a mobile phone. We live in an age addicted to urgency, where the tiniest vibration demands immediate devotion. Yet it is the designation of the well-groomed man to regard the person before him as more important than the machine in his hand.
To text, talk, or scroll while in the company of family, friends, or colleagues—save for true emergencies—is not simply impolite; it is a theft. One robs the present of presence. One exchanges the luminous here-and-now for the endless elsewhere.
A gentleman understands that love is attention, and attention is time—and time is the one coinage that can never be refunded. To choose presence is to choose veneration, to honour the moment as sacred. And no good man would compromise such priorities lightly.
HAIR, HABIT, AND THE COURTESY OF APPEARANCE
“Cleanliness is not next to godliness. It is godliness.” — Mahatma Gandhi
We form judgments—often subconsciously, often immediately—based on how a man keeps his hair. An untidy mop may suit the artist or the rebel, but it seldom serves the gentleman. Cleanliness, not conceit, is the motive. A cropped, well-kept look endures as a stamp of self-respect.
And it is not merely the hair atop one’s head. The hair that sprouts from ear, nose, or chest—when left unchecked—draws less admiration than alarm. Nature may endow us with fur like a polar bear, but civilisation expects more than the wilderness provides. If one desires the arm of a lady about his own, he must not appear to have walked out of the Stone Age.
Facial hair may be permitted, but it, too, must be tamed. A stubble, artfully kept, is not barbarism; it can even lend charm. But to wear one’s grooming as a sign of dissent is to confuse choice with sloth.
Even the contentious question of chest hair deserves a word. Some women swoon over a light dusting; others prefer the sleekness of a smooth torso. But no man should look as though he belongs in a cage at the zoo. We are not apes. We are men. Let us strive to look the part.
CONCLUSION: THE TIMELESSNESS OF REFINEMENT
“You do not have a soul. You are a soul. You have a body.” — C.S. Lewis
Gentlemanliness is not a coat one wears on occasion. It is a disposition of the soul—an inaudible dedication to living rightly. In a world infatuated with immediacy, the gentleman pauses. In an age that celebrates the crude and the clamorous, he chooses the gracious and the true.
Let no man believe that to be a gentleman is to be outdated. To be a gentleman is to be eternal. For regality will always have its place, and decency will always be in style.
So let us not look to the world to define our worth. Let us instead polish our etiquettes as one polishes silver—not to impress, but to honour what is honourable, virtuous, and beautiful. For these things, however implicitly they may shine, will outlast every trend, every laugh, and every sneer of the present age.
