When we are in bed, my girlfriend likes two fingers. Sometimes she’ll take a third...
And by that point, she might as well have the whole fucking KitKat!
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My mate David had his ID stolen...
I now call him Dav
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At my age I am good at multitasking…
I can listen, ignore and forget all at once!
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My mate told me he’s thinking about leaving his wife because she hasn’t talked to him for the last 2 months.
I replied, “Don’t be too fucking hasty. Women like that are hard to find!”
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I was on a train and this hot Thai chick sits next to me. I kept thinking to myself, “Please don’t get a boner, please!”
But she did!
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I once slept with a blind woman who said I had the biggest penis she had ever encountered…
Turns out she was pulling my leg!
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Went for a job interview today at IKEA.
The manager said, “Come in, make a seat.”
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Someone told me when you turn 100 you get a letter from the Queen and when you turn 13 you get a text from Prince Andrew!
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My mate was the fittest person I knew. He went to the gym 7 days a week. Entered Ironman contests, he even did back to back marathons once.
Then one day he went for a jog in the park and BANG!
He met a girl, got married...
...and now he’s a fat cunt just like the rest of us!
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I was in the bar when I suddenly needed to pass wind. The music was really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.
After a couple of songs I started to feel better. I finished my beer, but noticed everyone was looking at me…
Then I remembered I was listening to my iPod!
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“Doctor, I am embarrassed about the size of my willy. Every time I have sex my wife laughs and makes jokes about it.”
The Doctor says, “Don’t worry about it, it’s quite common you know!”
“Is it really?” I enquired.
“Yes,” he replied, “your wife laugh’s at everyone’s!”
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I set up a secret camera in the bedroom to catch my girlfriend using her dildo but was surprised to see the dildo came with a full size man!
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I helped my neighbour this morning and she said to me, “I could marry you.”
I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return!
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A man and his wife are getting ready for a party...
Wife: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Man: “Do you promise not to get mad no matter what I say?”
Wife: “Yes, I promise!”
Man: “I fucked your sister!”
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BREAKING NEWS
Teens caught vaping behind Sistine Chapel accidentally elect new Pope!
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Husband: “Fancy a quickie?”
Wife: “As opposed to what?”
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My wife was allowed to visit me one last time before I started my prison sentence.
“I’ve baked you a cake,” she said, “and I’ve hidden something inside it that might help you in there.”
“What is it ?” I asked nervously, “a tiny rock hammer?”
“No silly, a tub of Vaseline!”
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My wife has insisted that I take up boxing and call her Adrian…
I think we are going through a bit of a Rocky patch!
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A bloke at work keeps pestering me to help him get on the Scrabble team…
So I put a good word in for him!
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I had a happy childhood. My dad used to put me in tires and roll me down hills…
Those were Goodyears!
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My wife says I don’t shave properly…
Bloody cheek!
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A bloke walks into a pub and sees three men and a dog playing poker.
He says to the landlord, “Fuck me, that must be one clever dog.”
“Not really,” said the landlord, “every time he gets a good hand his fucking tail starts wagging!”
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2 female police officer dog handlers are on the beat.
“I’m cold. I left my knickers at the station.”
“Let the dog have a sniff of your fanny and he’ll fetch them for you.”
The dog returns 20 minutes later with her knickers, a truncheon and 3 of the desk sergeants fingers!
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Why do riot police get to work early?
To beat the crowd!
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My wife is losing patience with my premature ejaculation problem...
At first she took it on the chin, but now it gets on her tits!
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I am sure my mate is having an affair with my wife…
He’s been a right miserable cunt lately!
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