My dear friends!
In these curious and restless times, I have found it valuable of note — and somewhat disheartening — to distinguish how swiftly and thoughtlessly the civilisation rushes to weave the same tired narrative whenever it finds an individual, especially one past a certain age, spouseless and at harmony with their solitary station. The human brain, particularly the one that has not yet ripened into the fullness of self-knowledge, seems ever eager to reduce every unmapped life to one simple and shallow explanation: that it must be the effect of some entanglement of sexual perplexity or a timid dread of companionship. It is, I must say, the fixation of stunted and immature intellects, who — in their own struggle to understand contentment — cannot help but gauge all lives against the yardstick of their own fidgety preoccupations.
On Solitude and Self-Possession
But for those of us whose romanticisms have long since outgrown such infantile narcissism, there exists a rather different state — a habitation of hushed happiness, and of security rooted not in another’s approval, but in the unshakable ground of being unworried with oneself. I daresay the truly self-possessed man has little need to make haste in the matter of mortal attachments. He is neither starved for endearment nor alarmed by privacy, but rather lives as one who is whole, and alleviated.
The Modern Dilemma of Commitment
Now, the present-time has set before the male species — if I may call it that — a new dilemma, though it is scarcely a novel instinct. Even in the days of our forebears, the reluctance of men to pledge themselves to the bond of marriage was no oddity. The difference now, perhaps, is that we live in a more molten and unmoored life span, in which the reasons for such reluctance are not only more varied but more openly spoken of. Loneliness, or ambiguity about one’s own pining, is seldom the true culprit. No, the real guardians at the gate are caution and careful discernment — those two old sentinels, continually standing watch over the kernel of discerning men.
The Shifting Roles of Man and Woman
When one surveys the progress as pragmatically as one can — and I reckon there are few better ways to approach it — the roles assigned to man and woman were, from the dawn of earthly existence, carved out by both nature and necessity. The man, provider and protector; the woman, nurturer and keeper of hearth and home. An elementary and enduring blueprint. But alas, this pattern has not escaped the edgy hand of recent revision.
The Legacy of Liberation
One cannot speak of such things without acknowledging the great rupture brought about by the women’s liberation movement and the financial independence it has since afforded. This shift — understandable, even necessary — has, however, torn through the delicate fabric of centuries-old order. To say it plainly: women, having long endured the heavy hand of repression, sought dignity, and rightly understood that dignity, in this current culture, would require both education and economic self-sufficiency. And so they armed themselves with qualifications, with keenness, and with ambition. But somewhere along this steep ascent, many seem to have lost their footing — caught, as it were, between two spheres: unclear whether their latitude lies in the corridors of enterprise or the placid chambers of the home. This bewilderment, born of divided loyalties, has sown not only dissatisfaction but a fracture in the once harmonious, if imperfect, union between the sexes.
The Mirage of Self-Help
I often encounter the well-meaning theories of self-help sages and writers, promising the reader that should they do this, or refrain from that, their spirits will be rewarded, their lives transformed. But the veracity, as any seasoned soul can tell you, is rather less mechanical: nothing happens until it is meant to happen, and no amount of anxious striving can accelerate the arrival of what is not yet appointed. Much of what parades itself under the banner of self-improvement is little more than the bright packaging of contemporary commerce — a clever masquerade for the oldest game of all: selling hope to the impatient.
A Word on My Own Case
Permit me, if you will, to speak without adornment of my own case, as I am, an open book—unsealed and unguarded. By the standards of the coterie into which I was born, I am considered rather too old to be unwed, and yet my direction has not been hindered by confusion over my cravings. I am as settled in my preference as I have ever been, and my temperament leans firmly and unambiguously toward women. The reason for my retreat sprawls elsewhere, and it is neither shrouded in mystery nor deserving of gossip.
Inheritance and Ambition
While my father, a barrister by profession, elected to live his life much as he pleased — according to no standard but his own — I must confess, with no lesser measure of gratitude, that both he and my mother bestowed upon me all that a child could be reasonably given: not merely the security of several roofs, scattered generously across continents, nor merely the untroubled ease that comes from unending reservoir of wealth, but more significantly, a heritage — a lineage — which I carry not with vanity but with immense honour.
And yet, the crux of the circumstance is this: I could not reconcile myself to the idea of merely existing as a beneficiary of such a pedigree. There stirred within me a desire, as deep as it was unwavering, to fashion for myself a legacy that would not be borrowed but built — not an inheritance to be spent, but a life’s labour to be earned. And as one must, at some juncture, confront the unavoidable possibility between living as a full-time paramour or a full-time creator, I chose the latter — not from coldness of compassion, but from a conviction that to create was, for me, the more honest and enduring trail.
My Early Influences and Reflections
The conditions of my infancy moulded my cognitive abilities, as they must for every man. My father, though from an aristocratic line and an heir to considerable wealth, saw no urgency in applying himself to effort. He drifted through life absorbed by his own interests, with little thought for the example a father might set for his son. My mother, herself the daughter of an illustrious family, found herself forced into an unfamiliar role — setting aside her own pursuits in order to anchor the family amidst my father’s disinterest. And thus, the child who descried this drama unfold within the walls of his own home came to associate temporal relationships with dissonance and discord. As a result, I retreated into the safe and solitary stronghold of my own mind — a spot I came to know as my ‘mind palace’ — where conflict could not reach me. And this, I believe, is at the mettle of many a man’s temperament: they do not shun love, but they do loathe dissension.
Brotherhood Beyond Blood
With no fortune passed down, and no father to blaze the wake before me, I began from the barest foundations. And what I lacked in bequest I was most fortuitous to find in social fellowship. I joined hands, with my childhood friend, as my business partner — a man whose loyalty, character, and devotedness have proven graver and truer than the bonds of mere blood. What I feel for him is not born of sentimentality, but of mirrored hardship and tested trust — the kind of brotherhood that does not require ceremony to be known as sacred.
On Slander and the Judgment of Others
He has stood by me with a steadfastness few souls could ever match — more, indeed, than any other family I have known. And as for those who, in the smallness of their natures and the idleness of their tongues, imagine they might assassinate my character by slight and sluggish insinuation, I can only suggest they are grievously mistaken. For I have long since ceased to concern myself with the fickle approval of the world. The judgment of strangers, or of those who exhibit themselves as convivial connections but possess neither gravity nor fidelity, matters not at all upon me. My compass is set by the recognition of who truly matters in my life — and the constancy of those few roots is all the assurance I have ever needed.
On Society’s Expectations and the Matter of “Settling Down”
Of course, it would be naïve to imagine that such a life could remain untouched by the sharp little stones of slander. There are always those who, lacking sufficient work for their own mentalities, make the affairs of others their primary occupation.
It was put to me, rather presumptuously I might add, by certain members of my extended family — those whose association with wisdom is perhaps more casual than their acquaintance with social expectation — that now, having tasted the fruits of success in a measure beyond what many might dare to imagine, the time has arrived for me to “settle down.”
How does one even respond to such dull-witted counsel? There exists no universal schedule for human fulfilment, no clock by which all must live their lives in identical sequences. Every man is shaped by different priorities, and every soul is drawn by different longings. My own, I imagine, have never been dictated by the baser appetites which seem to hold so many others captive. Physical needs — if they have ever held sway at all — have long since retreated to the placid recesses of life’s concerns. In reality, and at the risk of sounding snobbish (though I would call it nothing but normal and measured observation), I have always been possessed of an awareness rather more mature than the absurd trivialities which swirl about me.
Regarding My Father
And there are others, in the same breath, who ask — with the same feeble curiosity — whether I harbour any lingering misgiving toward my father. To that, I must answer firmly and without a flicker of doubt: no. Life, as I have learned, is a long and winding road where each of us must choose the path upon which we walk. He chose his; I, mine. And for that, there is neither resentment nor regret — only the laconic acceptance that each man lives by his own purpose.
Idle Whispers and the Price of Aloofness
I have grown accustomed to the idle whispers that question the attributes of my aloofness, or suggest, in that knowing tone peculiar to the envious and the ignorant, that my life must be shaped by some hidden secret, some supposed divergence from the ‘straight path.’ These rumours, I regard as I would the buzzing of a fly: an irritant, but no real concern. My world is wider, and my company, more evolved than such pettiness can comprehend.
A Disinterest in the Common Circle
I must confess, too, that I have never belonged to those chattering circles — the cliques of common and uninspired souls — nor would I ever stoop to find a place amongst them. Their approval is of no consequence to me, for their world is one I neither envy nor seek to enter.
The Weight of True Veneration
The statistic is plain sailing: to venerate a woman — truly, wholly, and without reserve — is no light task. It asks for one’s time, one’s presence, and above all, one’s concord of cognisance. I once gave such tenderness, and for no small stretch of years. Eight long, to be exact. But when the juncture came to choose between the gentle succours of an itch that had grown wearied and the invitation to forge the life I had envisioned, I selected the second. The woman, once bright and light of gusto, grew disconcerted, and the closeness which had once felt like home began to weigh like an anchor on the psyche. Affection is no remedy for the absence of understanding, and it was with no bitterness, but a contented canon, that I set her free, and myself along with her. And thus I have remained — not unready for a swain, but unwilling to settle for its pale imitation.
The Unapologetic Truth of Experience
I have conveyed these thoughts before, and on occasion have been met with disapproval, particularly when I have spoken candidly of my father. But fact, if it is to possess any real worth, must be spoken comprehensibly, even when it grates against the sensibilities of polite society. If the telling of it causes discomfort, so be it. Better an uncomfortable factuality than a pleasant lie.
A Life Aimed to Outlast
I have walked a road not barren of ardour, but deliberately designed by the endowment to set up enough that would outlast me. That is, in the end, the breadth of my story.
The Perils of Premature Partnership
I have observed the fates of many who, in the heady fervour of youth, leapt headfirst into matrimony, only to find themselves ensnared by a silent suffocation — trapped in the lovely, but loveless, golden cage of mistaken partnership. And I have perceived others — slower to bind themselves, or perhaps simply more fortunate — find, later in life, an intimacy founded not on passion alone, but on features acceptably exceptional: mutual mentality, levelled laughter, and that abiding equanimity which even time cannot undo.
Lessons from Friends and Fellow Wanderers
I have had the privilege of knowing dear friends whose lives bear out this exactitude. Some married late, some embraced solitude, but all have taught me this: amorousness, if it is to mean anything, must be favoured freely, not out of fear or duty, but out of the sheer, unforced joy of finding a kindred quintessence.
The Currency of Time
For myself, I have learned to value time as the rarest of currencies. To spend it upon one unready, or unworthy, would be the greatest waste — for her, and for me. And so I wait, with the calm and patient trust that the Author of all things will write this chapter as beautifully as He has written the rest.
The Quiet Conviction of Awaiting Love
When the hour is ripe, I am convinced, she will appear — an embodiment whose warmth is as open and unblemished as the one I offer in return. Until then, I am at peace.
The Balanced Soul
Nor have I let the imbalances of my childhood embitter me. I have questioned myself, as every sincere man must: Was it the foreboding of fidelity that kept me footloose and fancy free? Was I, perhaps, adrift between an ancient belief in man as provider and woman as homemaker — a belief fast becoming an anomaly in this modern generation? But no. My resolve, when tested, gave no such answer. I knew then, and I know now: when the heart and head both say ‘yes,’ and the same music stirs in another, then — and only then — will the bond be made.
A Friend’s Remark and the Nature of Waiting
A friend once espied that I must be missing out on life for want of a wife. I wonder, do I truly believe that life, had it been shared, would have offered more than it already has? Perhaps. But until the one who means something appears, I can see no cause to trouble myself over what has not yet come to pass. She further asked, with no little exasperation, whether I was always so pedantic. I had no answer for her, save this: we possess no real control over the present moment, much less over the unseen future. The wisest way, it seems to me, is to outline one’s life with intention but never to let oneself drift aimlessly — for it is only dead fish that are carried along by the current. The living make their own way.
On Commitment and the Wise Man’s Caution
I do not think men display a phobia for commitment. The sagacious ones — the ones sharpened by life’s more exacting lessons — have simply learned to avoid foolish hurriedness. They know the weight of expectations, the toll of misplaced propensity, and so they tread vigilantly. And while the morale must never be shielded beyond all feeling, neither must it be handed over at the first flutter of fancy. One must be open, but not obliging; cautious, but not cold.
The Trouble with Intelligence in Modern Courtship
I came across an article recently, declaring that intelligent men are more strenuous suitors — that the more inquisitive the self, the more troublesome it becomes for others. Perhaps there is some accuracy in it, but I suspect the subject is more nuanced than the writers allow. Intelligence, after all, does tend to distance one from the multitudes — not out of pride, but out of a merciful mismatch in wavelength. Yet the truly enlightened man is not difficult by disposition, only particular about where he places his trust. His foresight is his strength, not his flaw. When applied with reverence and attention, this foresight becomes the very safeguard that preserves the sanctity of allegiance.
The Cost of the Wrong Bond
And so I leave you with this: it is neither bafflement nor qualm that keeps some men solitary. It is, quite simply, the clarity of knowing that the wrong bond costs more than loneliness ever will. Those who wait do so not out of helplessness, but by choice — the still, deliberate choice of a man who prefers to build his house upon rock rather than upon sand.
Yours,
always in thought and in truth,
F
P.S. For the dimwits at the back — I am straight. And no, I don’t let the clod between my legs do the contemplating for me.
And even if I were not made in the manner the world deems ‘straight,’ I should harbour no shame nor disquiet on the laws of nature; for at the end, we are all — each and every one — human souls. Love, in its staunchest system, is neither a contrivance of humanity nor a staple subject to the governance of men. It is a faculty bestowed, not commanded; an adherence of the leaning that flows where it will, and suitably so, for it is no more within our jurisdiction to domineer its passage than it is to regulate the rising of the sun.
