Facebook Badge

Navigation Menu

featured Slider

A RIVER RUNS THROUGH


 

William loved the city. But he loved the village more. He kept tender memories of certain woods, of ponds, the hills and the river that stirred joy in him. And today, as he was walking along the countryside to his grandma’s cottage, whilst crossing the streams that glimmered in the sun, his thoughts wandered back to some remote corner of the hills, or the end of the riverbank, or to some garden, full with plenty of flowers seen on some fine day, and yet residual in his heart quite like the picture of a suave girl at the coffee shop, waving and smiling gleefully. The mere thought of the girl evoked in his mind an unsatisfactory longing for her – a feeling that he could not suppress, although it gave him a sweet sensation that happiness had simply whiffed past him. Opening the tiny-weathered-wood-gate, he watched as the hefty dogs charged at him and almost tripped him over as they licked and sniffed him. He cuddled them and noticed that the stables were empty. He took a deep breath, inhaled the pure air, and knocked on the main door. 

“I’ve been expecting you much earlier,” said his grandmother’s voice from within the cottage, “come on in.” He pushed the door that made a creaking noise and saw a wrinkled old woman with white fluffy hair sitting by the fireside doing some needlework. 

“Uh, grandma, I see that you still leave the door open,” said William with a tinge of concern. 

“Don’t you worry about me, little lad,” she said with a broad grin, “even today I can fight any prowler with just my bare hands.”

“I don’t doubt that for a second,” William said, hugging her and giving her a kiss, “but the times have since changed, grandma, and you ought to be cautious and careful.” 

“Oh, don’t you admonish me like your mother always does,” she said kissing him back.

“People these days are no longer trustworthy, my dear grandmother,” he said squeezing the sagging skin on her cheeks.

“This is where your generation goes wrong,” she said kindly, “you have to place your trust in people enough, and there would never be a time when they would not return the same to you.” 

William heaved a deep sigh. “Where are the horses?”

“I had them sent away to the farm.”

“I see.”

“Go along and see them, I am certain they’ll be as overjoyed to see you as I am.”

William smiled to himself and mumbled a faint – love you grandma.  

 

William set out into the orchards the same afternoon. Nibbling on berries and singing songs he reached the river that ran through it. He immersed his feet into the water and remembered the times during vacation when he would fish with his father every Sunday morning. On his way back home, and much to his pleasant surprise, he ran into his childhood friend Walter Moore whom he hadn’t seen in a long time. “William Smith, dear god,” exclaimed Walter, “do I believe my eyes or am I dreaming?”

“Well what can I say old chum, a city certainly changes some but not me . . . you do know how like iron, I am most naturally drawn to the magnet,” said William with a wide smile as they hugged each other tightly as any two friends would do in the villages sans the superficiality of the cities. 

 

Fishing rods in hand, worms in matchboxes, the boys sat silently by the river the following morning, concentrating on a good catch. With no luck at half past noon they decided to call it a day. Over the week they met regularly. On some days they did not talk and at other times they chatted endlessly. Having similar tastes they understood each other quite well without the assistance of words and a warmer friendship began to simmer between them.

 

Toward the close of the day, as cattle were being herded into the backyards and anxious fathers were returning home after a hard day’s toil to be united with their families, the sun was setting, rendering a blood-red radiance over the western horizon. The warm colour shone on Walter’s fair countenance emanating a shy flush as he thought about his girl who had moved to the city to study. And he so terribly missed her. 

 

As William jogged alongside the river one morning, the early sun caused a pale mist to glide over the water, and he felt that his heart was finally sold to the serenity of the village than to the savagery of city dwelling. He wrote to his mother and father intimating them about his decision not to return. Baffled, they tried to convince their city-savvy lad on phone that small town life was not for him, but upon noticing his unwavering determination they knew that they were happy in their son’s happiness. William admitted himself in the residential college that was elegantly tucked away in the middle of the rich flora and fauna. It was not close to their cottage, but it was not too far too. Yes, he missed his washing machine and microwave, but apart from such materialistic conveniences, he personally found that the simple life in the village was largely incomparable to the din of the city. He adored the idea of having to struggle a little in order to find what he wanted than to merely step out and get whatever it was that he wished in the city. He delighted in the significant charm of seeing the roads free of automobiles, and the aesthetic beauty of the scenic village landscape – well it had besieged him even as he was a tiny tot when he would visit his grandparents during holidays. He looked forward to the fishing expeditions with his friend, the lengthy walks, the soul searching. In time, all of the above, combined with academics triumphed with an unbroken regularity, and he cherished every moment of his life here.

 

William was more into literature and humanities, while Walter was ever hungry for scientific knowledge. He waited eagerly for the journals to arrive at the library, and managed to comb and digest each line with such rapid speed that it left him feeling a void that the wait for the next edition was unbearably long. William laughed at his friend’s restlessness and teased him about displaying such a devotion for a woman instead of a magazine because the former yielded far beneficial psychological and physical results than the latter. Walter in return ragged his friend by telling him that he was a pervert.  

 

Customarily, the friends walked home together after college, but at times when one of them had to stay back for some reference related work at the library, or a game of football with the boys, the other would be on the way home, alone. On one such day, since Walter had some math problems to solve with his teacher, and William had to carry provisions for home, William scampered along leaving Walter at the college, bought fresh vegetables from the market, and began walking through the woods. He loved the mystery of the woods, and as he was singing to himself in glee, something along the path caught his attention. On reaching closer he found a photograph. It was of a woman who looked stunning despite the damage caused to the picture by time. Smitten by her charm, he tucked it into his pocket, and upon reaching home asked his grandmother about the woman in the picture. His grandmother, visually uneasy by now, snatched away the picture from his hands and asked him in a shaky voice where he had found that picture.

“What’s the matter, grandma?” asked William taking note of her edginess that had now turned swiftly to trepidation.

“Keep away from where you found this,” she said sternly, as she shredded the photograph and flung it into the fireplace. William watched how within seconds the fire had consumed the beautiful woman’s picture leaving nothing but a blob of charred waste. 

“Did you bring all that I asked you to?” she asked coolly. 

“I did,” answered William noting that she was no longer overwrought like she had been a few minutes ago. 

“Would you please wash the vegetables and chop them my darling,” said she, looking into the fireplace like she were looking at someone real.

 

He telephoned Walter, detailed what had transpired between his grandma and him, and asked him if they could stop by the same spot where he had found the photograph. “I think it’s a bad idea,” said Walter with some reluctance. 

“Oh, come on!” said William with impatience.   

There was no response on the other side. 

“Are you there, Walter?”

“I’m thinking,” replied Walter, his voice heavy with introspection. 

“Come on, mate, let’s just go!”

“All right,” said Walter half-heartedly.

“Love you, mate!” exclaimed William, his belly tingling with interest as he hung up.

 

Walter carried a torchlight with him, and William some candlesticks. They walked side-by-side, leaving behind light posts and orchards, and then they ventured into the route bordering the river. It was about ten o’clock when they shone their torchlight and looked about the spot as scrupulously as they could; upon discovering no apparent clue, they turned to leave when William suddenly froze. Walter focused the beam of light on the spot where William was pointing his finger and saw something was embedded in the sand and appeared somewhat like a photograph. When he went closer, he established, much to his surprise, that there was nothing. 

“Strange,” said Walter looking at William terrifyingly, “I am sure I saw something.” 

“Don’t look at me like that, you’re the science enthusiast,” said William softly.

“I think science would explain it as nothing but an illusion.”

“You have your answer then, old chap!”

“Err,” said Walter unconvinced and went back to the spot. He wiped his face with his palm and was lost in deep thought. How, his mind was asking, how? Was it merely a trickery of the eyes, or was his mind playing games, or was it something else that was beyond the realm of explanation.  

“It’s already eleven,” said William, “let’s get going now.” 

 

The following day William was returning from a game of football when he met his grandmother along the way. She said she was scuttling along to her friend’s place for dinner and asked him to join them once he had finished freshening up. William relented on grounds of being exhausted from football. He had an invigorating shower, picked up a magazine on art and sculpture, and went to the kitchen in order to get himself a glass of orange juice when he saw a delicious looking apple pie with fresh cream sitting on the kitchen countertop. Rubbing his hands with glee, he attacked the pie with ravenous enthusiasm and devoured the whole damn thing in a sitting.  

 

Walter, on the other hand, was drowned in books at home, drawing probable explanations to the mysterious appearance and disappearance of the picture in the sand. Reading about illusions, he reasoned that what he saw was something like a mirage perhaps. However, mirages, he further gathered, were phenomena largely encountered in deserts or large expanses of sandy lands. This was sand by a tiny riverbank, and quite incapable of such mirages, then, what was it that they had seen in the sand, and how? The urge to uncover the mystery hounded Walter, and he knew that somehow he had to crack it until which he would not find himself at ease. 

 

Munching on his favourite white-seeded guava from the garden, William telephoned Walter. The boy was so busy with his quest to find answers that he had failed to hear the phone ring. After trying twice to no luck, William languished on the easy chair by the fireplace and opened a book. Before he could read a single page, his head loosely sunk between his shoulders and he fell asleep. With the pleasant air playing on his face, he was deep into the land of his dreams where he was skating on water when a gust of breeze woke him up from his sleep. The large window was ajar and dried leaves came flying in. He rushed and clamped the window lock; quite sure that he had secured it before he had fallen asleep. The dogs that were sitting quietly until now began whining; their eyes fixed at the windows. “What’s it Target and Tuffs?” asked he, cuddling them and peeking towards the window when he thought he saw a cloudy shadow escaping out of the hall. The door slammed with a bang and there was an inanimate hush in the atmosphere. As dreadful thoughts came, one by one, he remained immobile. Mortally stupefied, he felt his flesh had turned frigid. Just then the wood died out in the fireplace, and it suddenly became pitch dark. He fetched a candle and tried hard to light a match, but the match failed to ignite. Clouted by an uncanny feeling he closed his eyes tight and held still for some time. Then collecting strength, he opened his eyes slowly to espy a flimsy glow flickering under the crack of the slammed door. 

“Grandma, is that you?” he asked in a whisper, his voice sinking with terror. 

There was no reply. 

Feet nearly paralysed, William now moved very slowly towards the door and clutched its handle. It was cold. He pushed it with all his energy and his heart sank as he saw Walter standing right before him.   

“Jesus! How did you come in?” said William in a deafening voice. 

“The door was open,” said Walter, “is everything all right? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

“Did you light the candle?” asked William fidgeting with his forehead. 

“It was lit when I walked in.” 

“That’s not possible,” said William asking Walter how he was here.

“My father said the phone rang twice and stopped before they could answer it. I figured it would have been you. I tried your number, but your line was simply not getting through, so I thought I’d stop by.”

William nodded and heaved a sigh, but the apparent fright in his eyes was crystal clear.

“Sit down first and tell me what happened,” said Walter, detecting William’s face was as white as a sheet of white paper. William told him about what had happened before he had walked in. “I think it was just another co-incidence, that’s all,” said Walter after listening to William with utmost concentration. “How then do you explain what happened at the river?” William asked, his eyes bigger than usual.  

“I think most of the times it’s nothing but a figment of our own imagination. I had read somewhere that sound waves or magnetic waves act by blending into a part of our brain, and the different frequencies of geomagnetic energies affect us to varying degrees of hallucination.”

William was listening. 

“There have been accounts of ghosts being sighted, but upon investigation, magnetic waves were the real culprits. I think ever since you’ve found that picture you’ve begun to believe that something is eerie around here, though in my opinion, it’s purely a case of the mind over matter.” 

“Possibly,” said William seriously, “but I have a hunch that the recent happening may have had some relevance to the strange clash at the bank of the river. It certainly was beyond waves or energies.” 

 

Walter dropped by William’s place the following morning and shook him out of the bed. “I think I’ve found some answers,” he said joyously.  

“Dude, happiness bared is happiness not necessarily shared,” said William with a playful smile, rubbing his eyes and plopping his head on the pillow. 

“Books that unquestionably explain, generally the element of whimsy do they disdain,” said Walter rhyming William’s bared and shared with explain and disdain.   

“All right, all right, indulge me,” said William with a vast smile, sitting up. 

Walter started to read passages from a book that said that people did experience shocking things, and that sometimes these things may well be outrageously forbidding. He said that some parts of the planet are more vulnerable to such sightings, either by artificial or natural conditions, and sometimes they are created merely to entice and lure people into believing the unbelievable – that the power of the mind could influence physical objects and make one believe that something actually exists. That the ghost stories are nothing but a fine yarn, re-told and accepted with time to such believable levels that people who tell them, and those who listen to them too, begin to think they are truly living the event. He attempted to persuade William that the bizarre apparitions he seemed to witness were events that could be rationalised and if William continued to believe too much in them, then his saneness could be called into question. 

“You woke me up from sleep for this,” said William in a light-hearted tone. 

Walter laughed, “Say something, William.”

“What about?” 

Walter looked at his friend in anticipation.

“I don’t seem to understand your over-indulgence in this,” said William yawning and moving out of the coverlet. 

“I’m just looking for some answers,” said Walter with a tinge of restlessness. 

“Have I asked you for any answers?” 

“No, but,” he paused, “I’m merely trying to dispel your,” said Walter, raising his eyebrows, “your fright.”

“Or yours?” replied William coolly and poured water from the jug into a glass.  

Walter didn’t care to reply and left the room. 

 

His bladder full, William was on the edge, and the class was not seeming to get over. The moment the bell rang, he scurried out towards the lavatory and slammed into Hazel Sand on the way.

“William, hi,” she said, giving him a big smile, “in a hurry, are you?” 

William wondered whether they had met. He had forgotten that indeed they had, just once, and very briefly at the grocery store. He had helped get her a jar of cherry jam that she was unable to reach. 

“Hey, hi, I am in a bit of a hurry, sorry,” said William with a grin as he pointed towards the loo. 

She smiled, “Ah, go along then.”

He apologised profusely once again and took to his heels. 

 

William walked into the classroom after his visit to the lavatory and saw that Hazel was sitting alone. He sought her permission to occupy the seat next to her. She agreed. He glanced at her surreptitiously from the corner of his left eye. She was not beautiful, only simple, and attractively so, regardless of the fact that she was low in body weight. Walter who was sitting on the seat right behind William mildly pierced the sharp nib of the fountain pen on his friend’s arse. William pushed the pen away and smiled at Hazel who was now looking at him. Staring into her eyes for the first time, he recognised that she had lovely hazel eyes that most aptly suited her name. When the classes were over, William and Hazel spent the entire evening together, and there was such a tremendous charge in the air that it could light up a room full of fireworks without any friction. After dropping her off at the main gate, William went in search of Walter and saw him coming out of the library. “Have you looked at the sky?” he asked Walter. “Love makes even the cloudless skies look so very enchanting,” said Walter with a teasing smile. William gave Walter a punch on his tummy as Walter broke out into laughter. They then went to their much-loved spot on the bank of the river, immersed their feet in the icy waters and chatted until late into the night. 

 

After that day, Walter, Hazel and William walked home together after college. One Sunday afternoon William invited Hazel to join him for fishing. She told him that she had never fished earlier. William went after her with a clear sense of determined charm and she could not refuse his invitation. Despite being the novice that she claimed she was, she quite speedily grasped the tricks and ended up yielding the largest catch of the day. In time, William concluded that tough Hazel tried her best to be outgoing, more so to please him, she was not what one would call adventurous. He found that she devoted more of her time for events that dealt with charity; like a ritual, she was at the old age home every Sunday afternoon. She helped her colony with weekend chores. Instead of buying something nice for herself in the pocket money that her father gave her, she purchased toys, or some useful books for the orphans. If one thought her benevolent activities seized at that, they did not – she nursed unhealthy animals at the veterinarian clinic too. At times William wondered how he felt so intensely attracted to her; they were so unlike each other. 

 

Walter was visiting his girlfriend in the city for two days. With plenty of time on hand, William and Hazel debated about the pleasures of fishing against the nature of charity, about books and paintings against the nursing of animals. When Hazel figured that William was not of the same school of thought as her, she asked him whether he would like to watch the sun go down with her. William smiled and said mischievously, “So long as you do not insist that I also watch the sun rise with you.” Hazel smiled shyly, “Actually, I would love that,” she said as she slid her hand in William’s hand. Holding hands, they sat by the river watching the fiery orange sun slowly shrink. The air was crisp and she disentangled her hand from his hand and started to take off her clothes. “Err . . . Um . . . ,” stuttered William, “what are you doing?”

“What do you think I am doing?”

“I know, but,” he trailed off and watched her as she locked her eyes with his eyes and dropped her knickers. He swallowed hard, his eyes on her eyes, as she smacked him jovially on his chest and dived into the river, altogether naked. He sat on the bank and watched as she sliced through the water like a fish and disappeared inside for a few seconds, emerged on the surface, wiped her face, and called out to William. “The water’s warm. Hop in!”

He shook his head. 

“Don’t be a prude.” 

“I—I.”

“Gosh, you’re a virgin,” she guffawed, accentuating on the virgin. 

He looked about, “Shhh, can you keep it low.”

She laughed exuberantly, swam to the shore, and moseyed towards him. William tried to look at the rocks, the sky, the water and then unable to keep his eyes off the first naked girl he had seen this up, close and personal, he rested his gaze on her: her arms were much more slender, she had the firmest breasts despite being thin, her legs were not as skinny as they appeared through clothes, her skin was glowing white; the veins could be seen clearly. “I think you ought to get naked too,” she said in a hopeful tone. William deliberated for a few seconds, and she knew what he was thinking. He opened the first two buttons of his shirt, and then shaking his head, he buttoned them back again. “I’m sorry,” he muttered, “and can you please put something on.”

“What’s troubling you?” she asked, knowing she was being a cock teaser. 

“That,” he said not meeting eyes with her. 

“That you’ll have to get used to anyway, so . . . .”

He grinned and covered her up with her clothes that were on the rocks when they suddenly heard the sound of footsteps behind them. They turned around, as she began to put on her clothes, but there was no one in sight. It was getting dark rapidly and William suggested they leave the place at once. They had hardly walked a few steps ahead when he felt that he had stepped on a piece of paper. Arching down, he picked the paper up. In his hands was another picture, this time of a man. Fear drove blood in surges into his heart and he felt himself struggling for breath.

“What’s it, William?” asked Hazel, observing the hysteria in his eyes.

Shuddering like a leaf, he handed her the picture.

“Why do you look so shocked?”

“That man,” exclaimed William, “do you know him?” 

She looked at the paper in her hand. “What man?”

William recovered from his shock. “The man in the photograph you are holding.”

“This is not a photograph, William, it is a paper, and it is plain,” she said, showing it to him. 

“I don’t believe this,” exclaimed William, his face still pale with fright.  

“Here,” she said giving the piece of paper back to him, and when William looked at it, the face of the man stared at William from the picture. Was fate playing an eccentric game? Or was he going insane? Unable to reach a rational consensus he stuffed the photograph into his pocket, grasped Hazel’s hand and began walking in quick paces. “Slow down, William. What on earth has got into you,” she protested trying to catch up with him, but William walked even faster, slackening his speed only when they set foot on the main road. There was silence between them for a long time. Once his breathing had returned to normal, he recounted what had happened over the last few weeks. She heard him intently without saying anything. “You don’t believe a word of what I’m saying, right?” he said seeing her vacant expressions. “I don’t disregard the existence of another world other than ours. But I also strongly believe in my god and that he powerfully protects me from any kind of evil that I cannot fathom,” she said calmly. William said nothing but walked along quietly until they had arrived at her place. She invited him inside for a cup of coffee. He politely declined her offer. “Not letting you get away this easy,” Hazel said, holding his arm and yanking him inside. He noticed that the house was huge, but orderly. The furniture was tasteful. A stunning chandelier hung from the centre of the ceiling in the room where she had asked him to sit. A lacquer cabinet stood in a corner exhibiting an assorted variety of lovely collectibles. Drawn to the formidable display of books, he was browsing the titles when his vision stretched across an open door. In the other room, he could see a piano against the wall. The floor was carpeted, and books were lying on it. He was engrossed in admiring an old carved chest when she returned with two cups of coffee. The delicious aroma filled the air, complimenting most perfectly the beautiful décor, and William spared no praise on how tastefully the home had been done up. “Thank you,” she said smiling, “it’s a joint effort between my father and I.” 

 

William dreamt of a child crying bitterly one night. Over the week, the same bleary oracle repeated itself twice. In spite of trying hard to delve into his mind as the image of the child was clear, he was not able to establish the identity of the child in his dream. He wondered what was it that was speaking through him? Was someone in danger? Did someone need help? He wished he knew. His heart thumped, and his mind galloped in numerous directions as the agitation of the unknown kept him awake for long hours, and the confusion had gradually begun eating into his productive time. He discussed the dreams with Walter, who again gave them a logical contour, and the flashes then abruptly stopped, and William began believing that Walter may have been right – everything was perhaps only a figment of his imagination. 

 

Back home from an evening well spent at Hazel’s place, William was revelling in sweet thoughts of her, as he pulled the coverlet over his cold feet and felt nice with the warmth that it provided him. He had hardly fallen asleep when he had a flash – a fuzzy image of someone being tortured. Tossing around restlessly in bed, and dismissing it as another delusion, he was just about to sleep when the vision appeared again. Flinging the rug to a side, he saw the time. It was three-thirty. He rang Walter, “We have to meet, Walter. And urgently,” he exclaimed. 

“I want you to first calm down and then tell me what happened.” 

“I’ll explain. Just come along to my place as soon as possible,” said William hurriedly, disconnecting the line.   

 

Both of them were at the location where the pictures had been discovered, and stood exactly where the pictures had been found. William looked around and drew a blank and then as if out of the blue he said, “If we cross the bridge at the end of the road there’s a vintage cottage in the woodlands.”

Walter made a face, “You’ll only find a perplexing labyrinth out there, Willi. I’ve lived here my entire life, and I know the woods inside out.” 

“Follow me,” said William with sureness. 

“Are you crazy, William? It’s wee hours of morning, and it’s very cold too.”

“Just follow me.” 

Grumbling, Walter followed his friend, and soon after they crossed the river, he felt a cold-blooded chill when he actually saw an old, time-worn cottage.

“Where on earth did you see this?” he asked William in a whisper.

“In a vision tonight.”

“I think what you need,” he paused, pursed his lips and murmured, “is to see a psychologist, William. I’m sure there is something wrong with you.” 

“I don’t dispute it at all, but this is no time for debate,” said William, “because now we have to find a pathway with cobblestones, so keep a watchful eye.” 

In minutes, they found the pathway with cobblestones. 

“Now?” asked Walter, amused at the bizarre range of unfolding events. 

“You’ll reach a rusted and dilapidated picket fence next,” said William and as he was describing the fence, within Walter’s eyesight was a run-down picket fence.

“Walk along and you’ll meet a length of wall with solid stone masonry.” 

Just a few steps ahead; Walter stretched his hand and touched a cold wall. He beamed the torchlight, and indeed, it was solid stone masonry. 

“You’re beginning to spook me, William. Just tell me you’ve been here before,” he said, anxiously. 

“This is my first time here,” said William softly, stopping a few steps ahead. 

Walter looked at him questioningly.

“I think this is the place,” said William with reliance. 

Walter looked puzzled, “What place?” 

“Shhh,” said William searching about the area. 

“What are we looking for?”

William did not answer Walter and ran his hand over the wall as he located a crevice. Using his penknife, he slowly but steadily dug deeper to figure that the wall did not resist the exploring, and he felt fragments of limestone in his fingers. Walter watched in disbelief as his friend was behaving like he was almost involuntarily following the instructions of someone or something guiding him from somewhere else. 

“What on heavens are you hoping to ascertain here?” muttered Walter with trepidity. 

“You’ll know in a wink,” William said as he kicked the frail wall that exposed a deteriorated door behind it. 

“Someone has deliberately patched this with limestone in order to hide the door,” said William trying to open it. A little push, and it opened, plunging behind with a deafening bang. William coughed as fragments of dust filled the air. He entered the space and went towards a dilapidated table. He picked up a vase with one hand as his torch slipped and fell from the other. He was trying to find his torchlight in the pitch darkness when he heard Walter shriek. “Come here, William!” he said in a shaky voice, “Soon!” Unable to find his torchlight, William followed Walter’s voice into another room. “Look,” said Walter shining his torchlight to a corner. In William’s vision were two skeletons. One dangling from a hook in the roof, and another chained to a chair. Suddenly the phantasm from his dreams seemed to fall in place. William took a step closer and the frizzled remains of once soulful people were surprisingly intact, except that time had weathered the chain to rust and it was loosely lying in the lap of the one tied around it. The other skeleton that was suspended from the roof was clothed in something that looked like a skirt in tatters. 

“Who do you think they are?” asked Walter trembling with disquietude.

“That’s something we’ll have to determine, and on the quiet.”

They left the scene untouched and went straight to the chief of police’s house, Mr Matthew Word, who was Hazel’s father. Hazel answered the door and said her father was out of town for two weeks enquiring why both the boys had a frightened look on their face. 

“Frightened? I’m not frightened. Says who that I am frightened? Why should I be frightened?” said Walter as William looked at his friend and smiled at Hazel, asking her to join them for breakfast at the local eatery. They met an hour later and updated her on the finding. 

“I don’t know what to make of this,” she said. 

Walter stared at Hazel with a straight face, “I’m amazed, Hazel. It was so bloody precise,” said Walter.  

Hazel looked at William; he smiled and turned his face away feeling slightly embarrassed. 

“What if I were to write an anonymous letter addressed to your father leading him to the site. Do you think he could trace the sender?” asked William. 

 “They’re the police after all. They can dig out anything from anywhere,” she said as she paused, ran her fingers over his cheeks lovingly and continued, “I suggest that you tell him the truth.”

“Also, I think we must keep this bizarre ability of mine under wraps.”

“Oh, yes, if word got out, it could get messy,” said Walter, “if it were couple of hundred years back they would have burnt you at the stake for being a sorcerer.” 

They agreed to keep tight-lipped about this for the time being.  

 

One afternoon William fell asleep at Walter’s place. Walter made himself a glass of carrot juice and sat in the porch reading a book. Past forty-five minutes or so, he went in to see if William had woken up and found his mate soaked in sweat, a terrified look on his face. Walter woke him up at once and asked him what was happening. “Nothing,” said William looking at Walter quizzically as he rubbed his eyes and was still drowsy in sleep. 

 

Hazel’s father was back, and both the friends disclosed everything to him. The skeletal remains were taken into custody and a routine questioning was conducted. Being a small township, a letter was sent to the nearest city police station for assistance in the investigation, but since it was not a recent murder the city police stated that they had much work on hand and that the investigation could wait. When the team finally arrived from the city, they suspended the case due to lack of insufficient clues and information.

 

As the evening mist enveloped the pathways and the moonlight played through the grilled windows, Walter felt a hounding feeling of helplessness raid him in entirety. He firmly believed in proof of science but what he had seen with William defied his beliefs. Confused, he telephoned Hazel. They discussed that though the mysteries intrigued them; there were many facets of life that were still unexplored and many things unexplainable. Hazel also told Walter that she believed in the terrors of the unknown. That neither William nor anyone could solve the riddle because other than god, no one else had so much power to tell what was exactly happening. That night, Walter lay awake all throughout the night, introspecting the extent of his opinions.  

 

A classmate was having a party at his farmstead. While his friends and classmates were rejoicing and dancing around the bonfire, William sat watching Hazel. She looked so whimsical to him. So beautiful. After sometime he went inside to fetch a glass of wine and stood talking to some friends. Twenty minutes later when he came out into the garden, Hazel was nowhere in sight. He asked his classmates whether they had seen her. No one had. He telephoned her house and there was no reply. Troubled by her sudden disappearance, he skimmed every foreseeable inch of the farm, and then rushed to the spot where they usually met in the evenings. She was not there either. He began to venture into the woods and called out for her several times as he was proceeding along when he noticed that he was standing in a pool of blood. He woke in a cold sweat and saw the time. It was three-thirty in the morning. He rang Walter up. 

“What’s with you and three-thirty, hunh?” asked Walter groggily.

“I don’t know, but something gory is about to happen again.”

Walter shook his head, “You are terrifying the wits out of me now!”

There was silence from William’s end and then he spoke in an aggrieved tone, “It’s about Hazel.”  

“For heaven’s sake, spare her, William, and please let me sleep,” said Walter. 

“Fine!” snapped William as he hung up, irritable that his friend was taking this moment of despair with such lightness. 

 

Just as Walter kept the telephone receiver on the cradle and was turning out the table lamp he sensed that someone had run across in his room. Curling up in the foetal position under the blanket, he left the table lamp burning and didn’t remember when he had fallen asleep. 

 

At a get together over weekend, Walter recollected something that William had said to him on the telephone. He felt somehow that the scenario at the party matched almost perfectly to what William had described. Half an hour later, William and Hazel showed up at the gathering. People were drinking merrily and dancing around the bonfire. While Hazel enjoyed herself with her group of friends, William sat admiring her from a distance, and then went inside the house for a glass of wine. As William was heading towards the table, a familiar feeling of similarity struck him again. Worried, he rushed out of the house and searched for Hazel. He couldn’t find her anywhere. Then he looked for Walter. Even he was nowhere in sight. With sweat trickling down his sideburns, William stood rubbing his fingers on his forehead when a friend tapped him on his shoulder. “Hi,” said William, wiping out the sweat. His friend looked at him keenly, “Feeling all right, are you, mate?” 

“Have you seen Hazel or Walter around?” he asked trying to remain as calm as he could.

“I don’t know about Walter, but Hazel asked me to give this to you,” he said, handing William a piece of paper. William read the note: “Too much noise in here. I’ll be waiting by our favourite spot. Meet me there when you’re done with your friends – Hazel.” William’s stomach went weak with fright. When he reached the spot, his nerves froze as he saw Hazel lying on the sand, in a pool of blood. He rushed to her and noticed that there was a wound on her head that was bleeding profusely. Holding her in his arms, he began yelling for help when he saw his college professor spring out of thin air. 

“What happened?” said the professor sharply.

“I don’t know. I–I found her like this. Please help me get her to a hospital,” said William with panic in his tone. 

“Oh, certainly,” said the professor as he slammed William on his head with a club. William passed out instantly, and when he regained consciousness, he saw a fuzzy picture of the professor sprinkling petrol on Hazel who was tied to a tree. He tried to get up but felt powerless by the blow. He heard Hazel sobbing inconsolably. Unable able to stand, William panicked when the professor seized him by the collar and threw him on the ground. His eyes glaring with fury, the professor kept throttling William’s neck with one hand, and with the other hand, he began to strike William savagely on the face. William tried his best to untangle from the heavy man who was over him to no avail. Coughing and choking, William tried to gasp for breath, but the infuriated man socked William with another hard punch and blood started to ooze out of the lacerations on his lips. Hazel began to cry at the sight of blood. The professor yelled savagely at Hazel. When she failed to quieten, he commanded her to stop crying or face dire consequences. She became silent. He then dragged William to the tree and picked up a thick rope. As the rope was being tightened around William’s chest, William tried to wriggle out and was awarded another stinging slap. Horror apparent in their eyes, they asked the professor what he was going to do to them. He bragged that he was going to roast both of them alive, and delight at the sight of them petitioning for sparing their lives.

“Sir,” said William, helplessness in his tone, “whatever have we done to deserve this?”

The man sniggered, “I got away by killing that couple eleven years ago, but you two rotten boys and this stupid little girl have uprooted the dead again!”

“You may have got away with the previous murders, sir, but you cannot get away if you harm us, sir,” said William as Hazel stared on, too stunned for words.

“Ha! Ha! I was foolish to leave their bodies, but I'll leave no trace this time,” roared the man in wrath, “I’ll light you up and watch you both burn.” 

“Why did you kill them?” asked William.

“Oh never mind,” snarled the man in anger, squeezing Hazel’s chin aggressively.

“You can tell us, sir, dead men tell no tales,” added William in a challenging tone. 

The professor punched William in the face. William yelped in pain. He then explained that the two of them were a handsome couple, and that they visited their child every summer. Though the woman was happily married to her husband, the professor was drawn to her beauty. He called the couple to the cottage in the woods, drugged the husband, and raped his wife. Shocked and shaken, she threatened to inform the police, so he killed both of them and knew that no one would discover the place since it was out of the town; a weekend getaway that his parents owned, and not many people knew of its existence.

“Weren’t the couple reported missing?” asked Hazel in a docile voice.

“The child who studied in our school was born before they were married, so naturally his existence was kept a secret. I heard there was an enquiry in their hometown, then everyone assumed that they had moved to another place without wanting anyone to know anything since the couple had some domestic problems with both their parents,” gnarled the man.

“What about the child?”

“That’s enough,” screamed the professor, guffawing wickedly and pouring some more petrol on them. 

“Please don’t do this, sir. Please!” said Hazel, snivelling in terror.

“Shut up!” he bellowed, pulling out a matchbox and muttering how enjoyable it would be to see them scorch in the fire. 

William struggled to pull his hands away from the ropes, but unlike in a movie there were no miracles here. Moreover, in this deserted place, there was no hope of survival and they knew that they were going to die. With not much to fight back with, William prayed inwardly as the professor inched forward and Hazel began to cry loudly. He gave her a harsh slap, and observed how William was shivering from head to toe. In a blink, the wretched man lit the match as Hazel and William shut their eyes. They prayed hard. They remembered god. They pleaded him for mercy as they felt the heat of the fire that was spreading towards them at a rapid rate. Death was just a few steps away from their bodies; and utterly defenceless, both of them did not know what they were feeling that very instant when they heard a gunshot. William opened his eyes to see the professor plunging on his face, exposing Hazel’s father standing with the gun still pointed at his back. Walter quickly began extinguishing the fire by throwing as much sand with his bare hands as he could. He untied Hazel as her father was checking the professor for a pulse and found him dead. Since Hazel had lost enough blood she was rushed to the hostel dispensary, whereas William was still in a state of shock. Walter stayed with William at his house, and when he was out of the drowsiness induced by the medication, he asked Walter how he had found them. “Mark showed me the note Hazel wrote you,” said Walter. 

“Ah, now understand why you were missing too.”

“I knew you would be looking for me, but I had to fetch her father first.”

When William and Hazel were in a state to speak to the police, their statements were recorded and a letter was sent to the town police stating that the culprit had been found and done to justice. Hazel coped well and showed signs of normalcy in no time, but William’s worries were still not over: the dream of the crying child did not seem to let go of him. One morning while William waited for Hazel at her house, her father informed him that the burial ceremony of the couple was to be held the coming Sunday after mass. 

“Thank you, sir,” said William as Hazel put in an appearance.

“I have some reading to get done. You kids have a nice time,” said the man and left the parlour.   

“I was going to brew some coffee, would you like a cup too?” asked Hazel. William nodded as he made himself comfortable on a settee. While Hazel was away making coffee he got up from the settee and browsed some books in the library. He was about to extract a title from the shelf when Hazel entered holding two cups of coffee in her hands.  

“What a beautiful day it is, isn’t it?” he said taking a cup. 

“Sure is,” Hazel replied, smiling at him and taking a sip from her cup.

“Excellent coffee,” said William looking at her with tenderness in his eyes. 

“Thank you,” she said, smiling. 

William looked across the garden that was visible from where they were sitting and thought to himself that looking out of a window provided him such peace, it was a sight far better than any painter can ever paint on their canvas. 

“Would you fancy anything to munch with the coffee?” asked Hazel.

He turned his gaze back at her. “How’s your charity work progressing?” 

“From when have you developed an interest in charity?” she asked him inquisitively. 

“Uh, let’s say just now,” he said with a smile. 

She said nothing but burst out laughing. 

William felt his cheeks getting warm, “Did I say something funny?”

She continued laughing and said, “You came here to enquire about my charities, did you?” 

The decisive moment had finally arrived. He flushed crimson and cleared his throat, “You’re right. I came here to ask whether you’ll have dinner with me the coming Monday,” he said gingerly.

Hanging her head loose she smiled, “I don’t suppose my father would have a problem with that.”

“Oh, thank you so much,” he said kissing her on the cheek. 

“You are most welcome,” said Hazel with poise. 

Leaving the finished cup of coffee on a little inlaid table in front of him, he stood up, “I’m afraid I have to be off now.” 

“Really?” she said giving him a big smile.

He studied her carefully. 

“Mission accomplished, and so the gentleman decides that he better be on his way out.”

He went red, “Err . . . err . . . you know I didn’t mean it like that.”

She became serious. “What did you then mean it like?”

“Ah,” William scratched his head. 

She burst out laughing, “I was only messing with you.” 

He sighed and kissed her quickly on her cheeks again. 

“Just the cheeks?”

“Yes,” he said firmly, “just the cheeks.”

Hazel smiled and bid him a goodbye. 

 

When William told his grandmother about the funeral she grimaced and asked him to keep away from anything to do with the funeral. 

 

Walter retired into the reading chair with a book. Halfway, perhaps, he had fallen asleep and woke up to a start when he heard the windowpane rattling violently. He walked up most lethargically to the window and fastened the stopper. His sleep now gone, he made himself a toast with peanut butter and pineapple marmalade, and travelled back to his room. Keeping the plate aside, he reached for the water glass and struck it down accidentally. He cleaned up the mess with a waste cloth and was about to shut the light when a chill whooshed through him again. He couldn’t believe his eyes – there was a picture of a child on his desk. Startled, he felt his knees buckle. He tried to shout, but his voice failed him. Closing his eyes he murmured, “Jesus! This is not happening!” His heart was racing like a motorcar, and he was contemplating running to his father’s room that was adjacent to his own room, when he caught a whiff of a pleasant fragrance in the air. His father had a perfume allergy, so perfume was never brought home, and even if he had bought perfume, why would he wear it at midnight? Wondering whether William’s words were really affecting him, he shook his head and moved his feet forward with great difficulty. Gathering some strength, he walked out of the room and noticed a shadow running up the attic stairs. He followed curiously, what he thought was nothing short of a hallucination, but on reaching there, he saw quite strangely that the attic door was partly open. Pushing the groaning door slowly, he peeped inside, it had been years that he had stepped into this area. He toggled the switch couple of times and realised that the bulb might have fused. So he pulled out a matchbox from his pocket, extracted a matchstick and had just taken it near the wick of the candle when it automatically erupted into a flame. He ran his hand over the flame to make certain he was not merely imagining it all and he knew he was not when it felt hot. His distress then switched tracks with wonder and vice versa. Drawn to a large elaborately carved wooden trunk, he stacked some books little above the height of the box and placed the candle on the books. Within the trunk he found a tiny-checked shirt that was soiled. Underneath the shirt was a pair of blue trousers, some strands of pearls and a wristwatch. Dusting the pearls, he picked up the trouser and saw a picture fall down. Holding the light in hand, he examined the picture closer and saw a beautiful woman and a well-built handsome man, both were semi-naked. The picture, it appeared, was taken on a holiday and Walter noted that the lower portion of it was missing. He searched his pockets, pulled out a piece, and completed the puzzle. Flipping the picture behind, he saw the names – Mrs & Mr Moore & family. His face went pale as he was wondering why the picture was in his attic. Placing the items back in the trunk, he rushed out of the attic, tripping and tumbling down the stairs. Walter’s father heard the commotion and came out of his room to see Walter curled up at the base of the stairs. He was shrieking in pain. His father summoned the doctor who diagnosed a broken wrist and ankle. Walter was shifted to the dispensary the following morning. Still dizzy from the high dosage of painkillers, he was happy to see Hazel and William by noon the next day. When his father left the ward to fetch himself some coffee, Walter asked them to come closer and told them everything. He then asked them to go home in pretext of fetching him some stuff and stop by the attic. 

 

Walter’s father took them home and left them to pack whatever Walter had asked them to bring along. He told William and Hazel that he would be breezing in and out of a shower. When they heard the bathroom door shut, they ran up to the attic and searched the trunk. William’s eyes were suddenly filled with delirious horror when he saw the wristwatch. He examined it carefully and exclaimed, “This is bizarre.” Hazel glimpsed at him questioningly. He took the watch closer to her and she noticed through the smashed glass that the arms had stopped at three-thirty. “This is scaring me, William. Let’s leave,” said Hazel, elevating her eyebrows. William grabbed the box, and they had barely climbed down the last step when Walter’s father came out of his bedroom. 

“What are you both doing with the box from the trunk?” he asked, his facial expressions wearing a troubled look.   

William didn’t utter a word and sat on a chair nearby. Walter’s father sat next to William and said sombrely, “I never wanted him to know his parents were brutally murdered.” 

Hazel’s eyes popped out, “You knew all along?” 

The gentleman took a lungful of breath, “I was wandering in the woods one day when I heard chilling screams. I followed it to an abandoned cottage. As I tip toed inside, I saw your school teacher murder Walter’s parents.”

“Why didn’t you report it?”

“At first I was shocked at what I had witnessed. Once I had collected myself and decided to go to the police, your teacher intercepted me one evening as I was returning home and threatened to kill the child and me, if I ever opened my mouth.”

“Gosh,” said Hazel.

“Then one evening the evil professor overheard your grandma and I talk about it at the farmer’s market, and threatened to kill your entire family too, so that is when your grandma forced your parents to leave the village and move to town.”

“But?” said William confused, as he looked at Hazel. 

“That explains why your grandma was apprehensive when you brought the picture home,” added Hazel.  

“Where was Walter during all this?” asked William.

“Locked and crying in another room.”

“Your dream,” said Hazel turning to William. 

William froze as a chill went down his spine. 

“What dream?” asked Walter’s father.

“Long story,” said William, “let’s go to the hospital now.”

“How did you open the attic because I had done away with the key the day I placed that box inside the trunk there?” 

“You probably wouldn’t believe us but something led Walter in there,” said William.

“Something?” 

“Yes the same thing that has shown me this picture in bits and pieces and probably the same thing that has helped me get to the crux of this matter.”

Walter’s father’s jaw dropped when he heard what William had to say about the incidents in sequence.

“So he knows?” said Walter’s father rather poignantly.

“I’m afraid he does,” said Hazel. 

Back in the dispensary, Hazel unfolded the mystery behind the box, and though it was a sudden jolt to Walter, he knew that Pete was his father, immaterial of what had happened in the past.  

 

The burial was carried out after mass on Sunday. Almost the entire town was there. Walter was wheeled into the cemetery and paid his last respects. That night William felt liberated from the shackles of something that he couldn’t explain. Though one point that was reinforced with much certainty was not the unearthing of the scary secrets, but whatever it was that was leading him, had aided in bringing justice to two restless souls and yet didn’t cause him any harm. 

 

With fishing rods in hand and the tin can filled with worms, both the friends strolled to the river. His feet dangling free in the cold water, William turned to his friend, “The truth, Walter, is that the world is not as simple as it looks. There’s lot’s going on beyond our five traditional senses.”

Walter smiled, “Maybe.”

“So do you now believe that there exists something else other than what science can corroborate?”

“I had read that in science, the imaginative experiment is tested by confronting it with physical experience, and in literature, the imaginative conception is tested by confronting it with human experience. So, no matter what, I still think that there’s always an explanation.”

William smiled, “Say whatsoever you want but I think that we are all intimately linked to each other even though through thousands of years we have been conditioned to believe otherwise.”

“Maybe,” whispered Walter. 

 

A Week Later

 

Walter was snoring when he woke up to a start. His alarm clock had gone off. He rubbed is eyes and turned on the bed lamp. Then almost instantly he covered himself with the blanket and curled up inside, sweating profusely. The time: three-thirty in the morning. 

 

THIRTY DAYS ~ Sushant Singh Rajput




Iss umeed se dil behalata rehta hoon 
Ke tere manzil ke taraf mere kadam aate hain 
Bas kuch dino ki hi toh baat hai
Iss hi umeed se dil behalata rehta hoon 

Ab na aankhon mein hai namee
Aur na dil mein woh dukh
Bas kuch dino ki hi toh baat hai
Iss hi umeed se dil behalata rehta hoon

WHAM-BAM-THANK-YOU-MA’AM




“Mate,” he said with a face that looked like despair had just walked in and poured itself a drink, “this blasted Covid business has left my cock economically bankrupt, or, or,” he stammered, “seems to have left my dick insolvent.”

I laughed—unashamedly and with some delight.

“What the fuck’s so funny?” he snapped, wounded and suspicious all at once.

“The words,” I said, still chuckling.

“What words?”

“‘Seems to have left my dick insolvent’—that’s a bloody poetic turn of phrase for a man in crisis.”

“Fuck me,” he groaned, “you writers are a peculiar species. I bare my soul to you about my tragic sex drought, and you are over there taking bloody literary notes!”

I laughed again, harder this time.

“Fuck you!”

That only made it worse—or better, depending on who you asked.

He shoved a pint into my hand. “Alright, philosopher. And how are you coping, then?”

“With the seclusion or the celibacy?”

“Don’t take the piss—obviously the sex, man.”

I paused, and then: “You know…” but thought better than to finish.

“I haven’t had a fuck in three months,” he declared with all the subtlety of a pub brawl, “Three. Fucking. Months. I am going round the bend.”

I made a noncommittal hum—barely a sound, really.

“What the hell was that?”

“Just a hum.”

He rolled his eyes. “Christ, don’t be a bloody monk. Aren’t you missing it?”

I took a long breath—one of those breaths that tries to pass for an answer.

“What?” he pushed.

“You know I’ve never been the sort for casual flings.”

“You’re a fucking idiot,” he retorted with affectionate fury, “if I don’t hit the club and do my ceremonial mating dance, I feel like I’m bloody fading out of existence.”

I considered him for a moment. “Ah,” I said at last, “you are not missing sex so much as the ceremonial stroking of your sexual ego.”

He rolled his eyes again—he did that a lot with me—and called me, with great warmth and vulgarity, an insensitive twat.

“You’ll be fine,” I said, giving his back a pat.

“You’re telling me you don’t miss it even a little?”

“What answer do you want? The truth or the polite lie?”

“The truth, for once.”

“Well then,” I said, taking a sip from the pint, “I read somewhere that for some people, nothing comes more easily than confidently deducing the sex life of a person they have never met—especially if they are conveniently dead in the head.”

“Oh, you mean like Don Juan, who shagged his way through Europe and then erased them from memory?” he grinned. “Or Casanova—same model, just better dressed.”

I sighed. “Are you trying to say that human sexuality hasn’t changed a jot since the Stone Age—that the only real evolution is in the artistry of hypocrisy?”

“I’m saying,” he said, wagging his finger, “that sex is a realm where self-deception wears a tuxedo and calls itself truth, and brutal honesty is no more trustworthy than romantic waffle or tactical silence.”

I stared at him. “Was that you talking, or the beer?”

He lobbed a cushion at my head.

“Listen,” he continued, “half the bloody married people I know are screwing around too.”

“Adultery’s been fashionable since Eden,” I said, “there’s nothing novel in the breach of vows.”

“Exactly! Most people these days just want a shag without the sermon. Marriage is overrated, mate. I mean, I may be single, but I’ve seen married men lonelier than I am. At least I’ve got control over my cock, and not surrendered it to some woman who doesn’t even know where it bloody belongs.”

I nodded—not in agreement, but in understanding.

“And I fuck because I like it. Not because I hate myself, or because I’ve got mummy issues, or whatever psychological bollocks you people love to drag into the conversation.”

I inhaled deeply, then smiled. “We are in the same club, mate. Different corners of the dance floor, that’s all.”

He winked. “Then what’s your problem with getting what you want, without dragging emotions into it? It’s not like it’s a bloody death sentence. Or like I’m secretly crying in the shower every time.”

I shrugged. “If something casual leads to something lasting, I think that’s grand. Serendipity’s a lovely thing.”

“And if it doesn’t?”

“Then I do suspect,” I said slowly, “that there may be deeper issues at play—loneliness ornamented as lust, past wounds demanding temporary salves. People trying to feel seen, even if only for the length of an orgasm.”

He shook his head. “I’m not here for a bloody therapy session, mate. I just want to get laid. And honestly, if it meant shagging again, I’d bend Covid over and do the honours myself.”

“Charming,” I muttered.

He polished off the last of his beer by theatrically licking the inside of his glass, then said with a slurred sort of clarity: “You do believe it’s impossible to love one person all your life, don’t you?”

“I do.”

“So what if you did find ‘the one’, and a few years down the line it all went sideways—wouldn’t you quietly go shag someone else?”

“No.”

“Bollocks,” he exclaimed, “then what would you do?”

“I would tell her, honourably, that it wasn’t working—and part ways, if possible, as friends. I would rather be lonely and truthful than partnered and duplicitous.”

He looked at me, beer-glazed eyes wide. “And that’s how we’re friends?” He laughed like a man who couldn’t decide whether he admired or pitied me.

 

In the weeks that followed our conversation, I saw nothing of him. I presumed, as ever, that he was faring well—he usually did—and thus I resolved to do what seemed most natural to me: to set in writing the thoughts that had continued to pace restlessly through my mind since that curious and candid evening with him.

 

The recent pandemic, in its sweeping disruption, has stirred a restlessness of many shades across the broader spectrum of society. Though much of this unrest remains unspoken—either for want of words or occasion—it is no less discernible. Among the more curious consequences of prolonged isolation has been the marked decline in the availability of unencumbered, spontaneous sexual encounters. While some have borne this deprivation with admirable temperance, others have endured it with barely concealed impatience, awaiting the lifting of lockdowns not for the liberty of movement per se, but for the liberty to resume their pursuit of carnal conquest. My friend, I must confess, belonged firmly to the latter sort—his vexation appeared not to arise from the absence of sensual pleasure in itself, but from the gnawing inability to stroke that portion of the ego which is flattered by the mere act of acquisition. For him, the thrill lay not so much in the physical union as in the private confirmation of his own desirability, measured in the tally of women who would admit him to their beds. And I can scarcely imagine how shattering such a drought of euphoria must feel to one so conditioned to the chase.

 

Yet it would be a grave misrepresentation to suggest that all men were poised to erupt with frustration should the grip of the pandemic not be soon loosened. For there were others—reserved, perhaps, and less conspicuous—who, confined to the solitude of their chambers, had begun to re-examine the architecture of their desires. The enforced stillness brought with it a strange clarity, leading some to reconsider the course of their sexual lives and to question whether the trajectory they had thus far pursued was in fact worth continuing at all.

 

As one might reasonably surmise, comprehensive literature on the psychological ramifications of the pandemic upon human sexual behaviour remains sparse; the duration of this global upheaval has simply not afforded sufficient time for any conclusions of enduring certainty to emerge. Nevertheless, among the early studies that have surfaced—particularly one conducted in the United States—there appears to be a rather curious finding: adults who engaged in casual sexual encounters reportedly demonstrated levels of psychological well-being comparable to those in long-term, committed relationships.

 

Conversely, other investigations offer a less sanguine perspective. These studies suggest that individuals who frequently pursued casual sex also reported notable declines in overall well-being—manifesting as a deterioration in self-esteem, a heightened sense of psychological strain, and in some instances, symptoms of clinical depression.

 

Of particular interest is the observation that the emotional response to sexual deprivation—specifically in the context of casual liaisons—revealed no striking divergence between men and women. However, another thread of research offers a subtle but significant caveat: men were generally more inclined to admit that casual sex afforded them a sense of emotional upliftment. Women, on the other hand, while not devoid of similar experiences, were far less likely to voice them. This reluctance may be attributed to the sobering reality that the psychological cost of casual sex weighs more heavily upon women, due not to some intrinsic deficiency, but rather to the heightened risks they must bear—be it the spectre of social censure, the emotional toll of feeling objectified, or the ever-present possibility of unwanted pregnancy. In short, what may be a cursory pleasure for one may entail a far more complex emotional calculus for another.

 

Having diligently made my way through a series of in-depth interviews conducted by a research team shortly before the onset of the lockdown—an exploration intended to inform a forthcoming publication—I encountered a surprisingly intricate portrait of the emotional and psychological toll that regular casual sex imposed upon men who practised it. What emerged was neither simplistic nor one-dimensional, but rather a study in contradictions.

 

In essence, the majority of these men appeared to derive from their pursuits a sense of heightened self-gratification—an inward swelling of triumph, so to speak—through what many of them described as a strategy of “seek and master.” The act of seduction and subjugation served as a sort of self-affirming ritual. And yet, woven into these testimonies was a perplexing counterpoint: a significant number of respondents admitted that such an unrestrained lifestyle, once adopted with youthful enthusiasm, had ultimately proved injurious to their mental well-being. Indeed, several confessed to feeling immeasurably lighter, even peaceably redeemed, after abandoning it.

 

The reasons for this renunciation were as unexpected as they were poignant. These men, some of whom had lived with unrestraint, came to recognise that something within them seemed to wither—subtly, yet unmistakably—each time they engaged in coitus with women they had scarcely known and would never see again. The act, once rousing, had become a silent erosion of the self. What captivated me most as I read through these accounts was the reticent insistence of conscience emerging in lives previously governed by appetite. Meaning had caught up with pleasure. And this was no insincere call to morality; it had little to do with conventional notions of right and wrong, both of which are often wielded subjectively. Rather, it was a dawning awareness of personal responsibility—of the intrinsic dignity owed to one’s own soul.

 

For it is, I believe, the greatest of human endowments that we possess the capacity to think, to reflect, to turn inward. And to think, truly think, is to live as if there were a tomorrow—to behave not like creatures driven solely by instinct, but like beings capable of discerning whether our hungers are worthy of indulgence. As I continued reading, I encountered numerous men who had come to relinquish these moreish compulsions. They spoke of the ephemeral exultation of promiscuity—of bedding many women in rapid succession—but acknowledged that this indulgence was leaving them hollow, not whole.


 

Whether this weariness stemmed from personal experience or from a deeper form of existential fatigue, the study was not yet prepared to conclude. But one truth did stand out with clarity: an increasing number of men, once enthralled by the carousel of casual encounters, were no longer deriving the pleasure they once did, and now expressed a firm and articulate longing—for a life not only of satisfaction, but of significance.

 

Upon completing the interviews, I was struck by a philosophical resonance that brought to mind Derek Parfit’s seminal work, “Reasons and Persons”. In it, Parfit posits, – Like my cat, I often simply do what I want to do. I am then not using an ability that only persons have. We know that there are reasons for acting, and that some reasons are better or stronger than others. While some of these are moral theories, some are theories about rationality. We are particular people. I have my life to live, you have yours. What do these facts involve? What makes me the same person throughout my life, and a different person from you? And what is the importance of these facts? What is the importance of the unity of each life, and of the distinction between different lives, and different persons? He then goes on to explain – My subjects, reasons and persons, have close connections. I believe that most of us have false beliefs about our own nature, and our identity over time, and that, when we see the truth, we ought to change some of our beliefs about what we have reason to do. We ought to revise our moral theories, and our beliefs about rationality.

In order to acquire a medical perspective on the matter, I sought the counsel of Dr Rob Weiss—an esteemed author, clinical practitioner, and legal authority in the domains of sex, pornography, and substance addiction. For over two decades, Dr Weiss has devoted his professional life to the psychotherapeutic treatment of individuals grappling with issues of sexual behaviour and emotional intimacy. Drawing upon the breadth of his research and clinical experience, he offered the following insight: If casual sexual activity doesn’t violate your moral code, your sense of integrity, or the commitments you have made to yourself and/or others, then it is probably not going to be a problem for you in terms of your psychological wellbeing. That said, you may face related issues like STDs, unwanted pregnancy, partners who see your relationship as more than just casual, etc. And you should understand that these related factors could adversely affect your psychological wellbeing even if the sex itself does not. Conversely, if you are by nature or upbringing socially and/or sexually conservative, or you have a strict religious belief system, or you tend to attach emotionally to anyone with whom you are physically intimate (regardless of whether the other person reciprocates), then casual sex may well cause you to experience shame, depression, lowered self-esteem and the like. This may be especially true if you engage in casual sex for “non-autonomous” reasons like getting drunk, seeking revenge, trying to fit in, etc. 

One’s social situation is likely to play into the desire for and the psychological effects of casual sexual activity. In young adulthood, for instance, casual sex tends to be more common and more easily accepted than later in life, especially if one gets married and starts a family. What feels right at 20 may feel wrong at 40. At the end of the day, there is no undisputed right or wrong answer when it comes to casual sex and its effects on psychological wellbeing. For some people, it is probably fine, and for others it is probably not. Each person is an individual, with a unique life history and emotional makeup, so each person is likely to respond differently to casual sexual behaviour. 


I hold Dr Weiss’s opinion in the highest regard, and yet it is precisely at this juncture that I find myself compelled to diverge—gently, but resolutely. For it seems to me that the men who had once surrendered themselves to frivolous indulgences, those short-lived, endorphin-driven pursuits, had in due course awakened to the realisation that there had been reasons—genuine reasons—for their actions. And that as human beings, endowed with both intellect and conscience, we are called not merely to act, but to act rightly. That there exist ways of being, and that some of those ways can indeed be wrong.


Now, let us be clear—this intuitive knowledge is not born of religious injunction or moral imposition; it does not arise from psychosomatic anomalies, nor from the preaching of some sanctimonious supremacy. No, it issues rather from a placid place—a commonsense born of soul-awareness, the inward certainty that one’s spiritual reservoir is being steadily depleted. It was remarkable to observe that certain men, upon confronting this inner desolation, did not linger there. They seized their lives by the collar, as it were, and turned away from the fleeting allurements that had dulled their honour, choosing instead to halt the downward spiral before it rendered them spiritually inert.

 

We live, after all, in a world which loudly proclaims the right of every individual to pursue pleasure in whatever form it may appear—so long, of course, as it remains within the bounds of the law. And sex, being one of the most profound and instinctive of human desires, shall undoubtedly see a resurgence as the world gradually returns to its former rhythms. My own counsel is this: by all means, partake in it—responsibly, lawfully, and freely. But for heaven’s sake, do not cheapen it.

 

Sex is sacred. It is the incarnate expression of love, the visible form of an invisible bond, a union of not only bodies but of spirits. Something so intimate, so wondrously binding, ought to be approached with reverence and with tenderness—not treated as a mere athletic event, nor reduced to an animalistic pursuit ending in nothing more than a climax and a quick retreat. Is it any wonder, then, that so many find themselves empty afterwards, their supposed victory tasting of ash?

 

The next time you stand at that juncture—deciding whether or not to peel away your clothing, both literal and metaphorical—pause. Think. Weigh. Discern. Ask not merely what your body craves, but what your soul longs for. For it is in that moment of reflection, not in the hurried exchange of sensation, that the bona fide essence of human experience lies. The meaning of life, I suspect, is found not in the friction of bodies but in the fidelity of hearts.

 


 

 

References:

 

Barnes, Julian. (2019). The Man in the Red Coat. Jonathan Cape.   

 

Whitley, Rob. (2020). Casual Sex: Harmless Fun or Harmful to the Soul?. Psychology Today.  

 

Weiss, Robert. (2015). What Are the Psychological Effects of Casual Sex?. Psychology Today. 

 




THE INVISIBLE HAND OF NATURE



I sometimes feel that language is miserably insufficient when it comes to having to express what one wants truly to express, except of course, when you are talking about someone who surpasses the worldly metaphors and clichés, someone who has such a marvellous sense of humour that even the toughest moments would be made light when around him . . . someone who fills the insufficiencies of language as I aforementioned with such grace and acuity that you have nothing but great admiration for such an individual’s refinement and stability. And so, before I tire you with any more of my rather (inefficient) words, I would like to acquaint you, in complete humbleness and pleasure with Doctor Muhammad Asif Nawaz, whom I admire from every cell in me. 

To say the least, Asif is a doctor registered in the UK, he is in the PAS, the 46th Common. He is a freelance writer, or so he claims, and I would leave you to decide whether he is ‘freelance’ or a ‘master’ once you have read his words below and looked him up online to understand his full genius. He is also an amateur filmmaker, a marvellous photographer, a hopeless wanderer, a third degree procrastinator, and for better, or for worse, for me, well, he is he – a brother in a buddy who is assuredly and distinctively treasured, someone immensely rare, and without whom my life would be most meaningless and bare.

Excerpt on Asif from the Humans of CSA that was published on Tuesday, the 9th of April, 2019. 

If I had a dollar for every time people warned me against being a passenger of two boats, I would have totally done away with the idea of boats and would charter a plane to go around the world. But this life, it’s peculiar. It’s beautiful. And demanding. You always have to take your leaps of faith. And no one ever gives you enough dollars to charter a plane. My story is not about perseverance or rising against the odds - there are far too many people in CSA who I look up to in that regard. It’s about taking risks, exploring unchartered territory, and gratitude. So much gratitude! Belonging to the city of Abbottabad, I studied to be a doctor. It was in the three months after the completion of my house job that I decided to prepare for CSS - undergoing a surgical procedure while at it. After taking the exam, I geared up for the post of a Medical Officer in Khyber Pakhtunkwa’s Public Service Commission, and ended up being second in my district. Afterwards, I eyed the FCPS Part 1 exams; cleared them; and started my training in medicine as I took IELTS with watery eyes - a remnant of the recent LASIK I had had. After the written result came out, I booked my PLAB 1 exam, which, as the invisible hand of nature would have it, fell one day prior to my CSS psychological exam. (In hindsight, I made through both). I prepared for the interview while attending to the incessant line of patients in my ward. After being granted a leave from my ward, I left for the UK to prepare for and take the next step of the licensing exam, which I passed. And as the final result of CSS came out, I had topped in my province. But it’s not just this, grappling with the various opportunities that life throws at you while not losing sight of things that make it worth-while, like traveling, learning, socialising and experiencing, was the real task. Never forgetting your laughable insignificance, nor your towering significance. And as the invisible hand of nature would have it again, I received my arrival letter to Civil Services Academy and final registration to work as doctor in the UK almost on the same day. But this life, it’s peculiar. There’s so much to do. And you always have to make defining, hard choices. You can only hope, and take a leap of faith. With a silent prayer, with a handful of passion. Oh, and no one ever gives you enough dollars to charter a plane. 


Asif Nawaz
PAS – 6th position overall
1st from KPK
*Admin 46th*

KPK is Khyber Pakhtunkwa. It was called North West Frontier Province (NWFP) before 2010.


All right, some of you say, I have read the above and I think I get a fair idea about Asif. I smile and bob my head knowing that there is a ‘but’ to follow, and before I say more, you ask: but what is the intent of this? I purse my lips and take a deep breath. You wonder whether I am about to say something of great significance judging from my demeanour, but instead I utter, no actual intent, really. You narrow your eyes and look at me like I am barmy. I laugh and tell you that you aren’t wrong in your assessment because I am indeed as barmy as they can get, and that I only wished to share with the world what some people mean to me, people who make me, me. I can see that you are flummoxed. To soften the point, I pat you quickly on both your shoulders and elucidate that you should celebrate life and acknowledge every single soul who makes a difference to you because not until most recently, when I had lost a very dear friend in Sushant Singh Rajput, who, like Asif, was also a brother to me, did I understand the tangible eminence of time and of the prominence of people and how we take them so for granted. I tell you that that was my intent – a reason enough to tell the world that I am grateful for each of them who make my world as glorious and wonderful as it can be, and that without them I am nothing. You remain in a state of sheer bewilderment when I articulate further that Sushant and I used to have these impassioned arguments about my intellectual property wherein I would apprise him that a portion of it I am setting aside in my will for him, and as if to enrage me he would chuckle and mouth in his landmark intonation that there was no guarantee that he would outlive me. You pretend to be interested and I can see right through you, but I am rather absorbed in my memories, and that I have started, I do not intend to break my flow and go on that on one of those days when I had broached the same subject he had said, Agar main rahoon ya na rahoon. And before he had completed whatever that he had intended to convey, I had blurted an expletive, and Sushant being Sushant had comfortably disregarded my extreme reaction and concluded, Ho tere naal rahu meri parchhayi ve. I had remembered slaying the call and not speaking with him for a week after. However, in hindsight, I had cared less for what he had meant by that then, or perhaps I hadn’t even understood it, and when I remembered it today, I messaged Asif asking him what it meant. 

My spirit/shadow remains with you. 

Came the prompt reply. 

And that is the essence of life is it not: the spirit and shadow of those you love remains with you whether or not they are around you physically. 

You shake your head and walk away thinking what an arse I am for having wasted your time, and I feel a sense of relief that I did not have to rid the unwanted from my life, that they rid themselves by themselves, and then I remember the words of Asif – But this life, it’s peculiar. It’s beautiful. And demanding. You always have to take your leaps of faith. And no one ever gives you enough dollars to charter a plane. My story is not about perseverance or rising against the odds - there are far too many people who I look up to in that regard. It’s about taking risks, exploring unchartered territory, and gratitude. So much gratitude!

And so I take a bow of gratitude for the one gone and the ones here. Thank you both and thank you everyone else who make me, me!