To the citizens
of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent
candidates for President of the USA, and thus, to govern yourselves, we hereby
give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You
should look up ‘revocation’ in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical
duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota,
which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, will appoint a Governor for
America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be
circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the
following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘colour,’ ‘favour,’
‘labour’ and ‘neighbour.’ Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without
skipping half the letters, and the suffix ‘-ize’ will be replaced by the suffix
‘-ise.’ Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable
levels. (Look up ‘vocabulary’).
2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises
such as “like’ and ‘you know’ is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft
know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into
account the reinstated letter ‘u” and the elimination of ‘-ize.’
3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists
shows that you are not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used
for shooting grouse. If you cannot sort things out without suing someone or speaking
to a therapist, then you are not ready to shoot grouse.
5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything
more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although, a permit will be required if
you so wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will
start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you
will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion
tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British
sense of humour.
7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have
been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French
fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips
are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and
dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not
actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred
to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be
referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound
for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the
beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth – see what it did for
them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine, so that
all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors
as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play
English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialect in Four
Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one’s ears removed with
a cheese grater.
11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind
of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time,
be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but
does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full
kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to
host an event called the World Series for a game, which is not played outside
of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your
borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let
you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It has been driving us mad.
14. An internal revenue agent (i.e., tax collector) from Her Majesty’s
Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due
(backdated to 1776).
15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4PM with proper cups, with
saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus
strawberries (with cream) when in season.
God Save America!
Oops, the error is regretted.
The Queen will save America!
The author(s) of this hilarious message
is unknown. The message appears to have evolved from numerous authors over
time. I have tidied up some slips and added adequate punctuation wherever required. The closing three phrases are mine as well.
