Facebook Badge

Navigation Menu

featured Slider

Showing posts with label Heart. Show all posts

NINETY-NINE


 

In the autumn of that bodacious year—when London society affected resilience as though it were a newly tailored waistcoat—there occurred in the ancient house of Wetherby Minor an interruption so subtle and yet so seismic that it caused even the silver to be polished with greater solemnity.

 

Sir Alistair Cavendish returned from surgery on a Thursday.

 

It was generally agreed among the Cavendish circle that his heart had chosen a most inconvenient moment to rebel. The Season was approaching, and it was considered faintly ill-bred of an organ to fail without consulting the social calendar.

 

The Cavendishes had never trafficked in loutish displays of emotion. Their griefs were folded into napkins; their joys were decanted like claret. Yet the knowledge that Sir Alistair—he who had stood as patron to orphanages, confidant to errant nephews, benefactor to three parishes and a beleaguered opera house—had been opened sternum to spine and persuaded back into the land of the living by the cunning of surgeons, unsettled the household in a manner that no parliamentary scandal ever had.

 

The drawing room at Wetherby Minor, with its Sèvres porcelain and ancestral oils in gilt frames, became an antechamber of conjecture.

 

“Four arteries,” sighed Lady Eugenia Marchmont, lowering herself onto a bergère as though the upholstery might overhear her, “blocked at ninety-nine percent. It beggars belief.”

“Overexertion,” pronounced Colonel Ashbury, who had never forgiven the twentieth century, “he gives too freely. It is constitutionally unsound.”

“Nonsense,” said Dr. Pembroke-Hale, smoothing his moustache with academic irritation, “genetics. The tyranny of heredity. One cannot out-charity one’s cholesterol.”

“I have always maintained,” observed Lady Eugenia with the gravity of one pronouncing the kingdom, “that organs should be managed like estates. Regular oversight. Firm boundaries.”

“My dear Eugenia,” replied Sir Alistair mildly, ensconced in surgical tranquillity upon cushions recalling the pallor of late-September heather, “had I known my arteries were tenants in arrears, I should have dispatched a solicitor.”

There was the cultured ripple of laughter reserved for remarks that were almost improper but redeemed by breeding.

Colonel Ashbury, who believed exercise to be a Continental conspiracy, leaned heavily upon the mantel. “It’s these modern diets,” he declared, “olive oil. Avocado. Foreign insinuations into the bloodstream.”

“Indeed,” said Dr. Pembroke-Hale dryly, “one suspects the arteries perhaps may have preferred roast beef and patriotic denial.”

Sir Alistair lifted an eyebrow. “I regret disappointing you both. The surgeons found no evidence of Mediterranean infiltration. Only the usual English reticence—everything blocked, nothing expressed.”

Each visitor bore a thesis as though it were a nosegay. They came with orchids and with orthodoxy. They came bearing pheasant pies and pronouncements. And Sir Alistair, propped regally upon cushions tinted like moorland at dusk, received them all with a civility that made their anxieties seem somewhat gauche.

“My dear Ashbury,” he would murmur, the weak white seam along his chest concealed beneath immaculate linen, “if benevolence were fatal, I should have expired in 1987.”

He laughed—softly, as though laughter may possibly disturb the sutures—and the room, subserviently, followed.

Below stairs, the butler Hawthorne—who had served three generations and regarded cardiology as comparatively theatrical—confided to Mrs. Dalloway: “I cannot see why they required four surgeons. In my experience, one firm word suffices to restore order.”

“Arteries are not footmen, Hawthorne.”

“Perhaps not, madam,” he conceded, “but they appear equally inclined to idleness.”

 

Visitors persisted in offering their explanatory frameworks. Yet within him there stirred a private lucidity. The surgeon’s blade had not merely divided bone; it had parted the illusion. He had listened, during those first noiseless nights of convalescence, to the mechanical metronome of his altered heart and discerned a truth at once austere and liberating: the heart is not persuaded by commentary. It does not respond to anecdotes. It labours or it falters according to laws older than kindness and far less impressed by theory.

 

“It is suppressed resentment,” whispered a cousin who had recently discovered psychology, “one must not internalise.”

“My dear,” Sir Alistair replied with benevolent weariness, “if I had internalised resentment, half the county would have expired years ago.”

 

And still the messages arrived. The footman, consequential as a curate, delivered envelopes edged in black ink, embossed crests, and hand-pressed vellum. Telegrams from Vienna. Emails from men who affected not to send emails. Even a note from a viscountess who had once declared the internet “a passing vulgarity.”

 

Each correspondent, in tones of staid affection, advanced a trigger.

 

“You must retire from committees.”

“You must forswear Burgundy.”

“You must relinquish, at last, the burdens of everyone else’s sorrow.”

“You must learn to practise a temperance at table, lest appetite, left ungoverned, presume itself sovereign over the body it was meant only to serve.”

 

When presented with a twelve-page document titled A Comprehensive Regimen for Cardiac Prudence, Sir Alistair turned the pages with ceremonial patience. “Extraordinary,” he crooned, “it appears my heart requires more administration than the Empire.”

“And will you follow it?” asked Lady Eugenia anxiously.

“I shall honour it,” he said ascetically, “by placing it somewhere my arteries cannot possibly reach.”

When a particularly earnest acquaintance declared, “You must stop giving so much of yourself,” Sir Alistair smiled, and accepted the warning with gratitude. He was not unmindful of the devotion from which they sprang. But the counsel, though well-meant, fluttered about him like anxious birds striking at glass—earnest, insistent, and entirely incapable of altering the construction of his condition.

“My dear fellow,” he declared soothingly, “if I cease giving of myself, I must be left with a very small remainder indeed. The difficulty lies not in giving—only in giving as though one were infinite.”

 

It was on the seventh morning, when a pale gold light settled upon the Persian carpet and the scent of beeswax mingled with autumn roses from the terrace, that he encountered the message which arrested him. It was not written upon parchment. It bore no crest. It arrived not by courier but in the unassuming simplicity of a brief note from Lady Imogen Ashcroft—a widow of discerning wit and dangerous perception. He unfolded it without ceremony.

 

You have always done so much from your heart, your heart was stressed.

 

He read it once. Then again. A curious stillness overtook him—not the clinical stillness of the operating theatre, but a contemplative hush, as though the house inclined its rafters to listen.

 

Lady Imogen had not offered diagnosis. She had not attributed blame to wine, lineage, or philanthropy. She had not prescribed abstinence or asceticism. She had, instead, committed an act of imaginative sympathy. In that one line there lay humour—gentle, almost conspiratorial—and an acknowledgment so exact it felt like absolution.

 

His heart, stressed by generosity.

 

It was absurd, of course. Arteries do not clog with compassion. And yet, as metaphor, it possessed a tensile strength no medical chart could rival.

 

Later that afternoon, when Lady Eugenia returned armed with a treatise on dietary reform, she found Sir Alistair unusually pensive. “You mustn’t take it amiss,” she insisted, tapping the booklet, “we speak only because we care.”

“I know,” he replied, with a smile that had acquired a new inflection—quieter, less performative, “and I am indebted to you all.” He paused, his fingers resting lightly against the linen that concealed the surgeon’s handiwork. “But I wonder,” he continued, “whether the heart requires not fewer burdens, but truer ones.”

Lady Eugenia blinked.

“You mean—?”

“I mean,” he said gently, “that one may give indiscriminately and yet not wisely. One may disperse oneself like loose coins, and discover too late that one has never invested in stillness.”

 

The great clock in the hall chimed the quarter hour. Outside, a rook alighted upon the balustrade, its black form a punctuation against the paling sky.

 

In the weeks that followed, Sir Alistair resumed his place within society—but altered, as a painting appears altered when one has learned the secret of its light. He declined certain invitations with gracious brevity. He resigned from a committee whose purpose had long ago evaporated into habit. He retained, however, his visits to the children’s hospice and his long Sunday walks with the rector, during which silence permitted its full eloquence. Those who observed him reflected upon a prying intensification. He seemed not diminished by surgery but distilled. As though the narrowing of his arteries had forced a narrowing of his devotions, until only the essential remained. Even the rector, during one of their resumed ambulations, ventured tender irreverence. “You realise,” the clergyman said, tapping his walking stick against the gravel, “that the parish has taken your surgery as evidence of divine affection.”

“Affection?” Sir Alistair echoed.

“Whom the Lord loveth, He refashions.”

Sir Alistair considered this. “One would have preferred flowers,” he said, “but one accepts the bouquet provided.”

 

At dinner, upon his first public reappearance, Lady Imogen regarded him with careful mischief. “You look outstandingly well for a man who has technically died.”

“Only briefly,” he returned, “I found the afterlife insufficiently organised.”

“And so you returned to supervise it?”

“Someone must. The angels, I fear, lack committee structure.”

 

One evening, at a small dinner attended by the usual constellation of aristocratic certainties, Colonel Ashbury raised a glass. “To Sir Alistair,” he declared, “whose heart, thank God, continues to function.”

There was polite laughter.

Sir Alistair inclined his head. “It does,” he replied, “though I have lately resolved to treat it less as a public thoroughfare and more as a chapel.”

Lady Imogen, seated opposite, met his gaze. There flickered between them that rarest currency of the upper classes: unspoken understanding.

“It was never your arteries that were blocked, Alistair,” she would later opine over tea, “only your refusal to admit you are mortal.”

He smiled—almost boyishly. For in truth, he knew what the others did not. Their theories, however lovingly arranged, were scaffolding erected around a mystery. They were attempts to impose narrative upon biology. “My dear Imogen, I have always admitted it. I merely objected to the timing.”

 

But Lady Imogen’s sentence—You have always done so much from your heart, your heart was stressed—light as it was—it had risen to the occasion and planted the flag of victory of mind over matter. It had penetrated him to that deepest place within where it truly mattered.

 

It was not medicine. It was a metaphor. And metaphor, he had come to see, is sometimes the only language capable of honouring both fragility and forte without presuming to solve either.

 

Thus Wetherby Minor returned to its composure. The silver gleamed. The claret breathed. The aristocracy resumed its delicate dramaturgy of restraint. And at its centre stood a man who had survived the tightening of four arteries and discovered, in their reopening, a subtler imperative: that the heart, while generous, is not inexhaustible; that kindness, to endure, must be conjoined with discernment; and that even a messiah—particularly a messiah of drawing rooms and discreet charities—must occasionally withdraw into the cloister of his own finite flesh. And in that withdrawal there was no diminishment. Only a softer, truer pulse.


Danyal Zafar - THE CARRIAGE OF KNOWLEDGE



My dearest Danyal

As elders, our natural instinct is to want to protect our kids; we aim to take care of them, we imagine that without anchoring them they might waver in life. As time winds down, the realisation dawns that when your children have grown up, the first thing you do is stop telling them what to do – not because they would oppose you – but simply because by stepping aside on tiptoe, you can observe them etch a forte for themselves where they would be a role model for the rest of the world to idolise upon.

The day I watched you spread your wings my dear Danny, I grasped that it was my time to tiptoe and observe, from afar, how humanity was taking to you quite like iron takes to a magnet. I found myself finding such rapture in your eminence, and it was not something that I could express via any medium: art or words. It was a feeling that an elder brother felt for his younger brother, and it was a feeling that I would want gone with me when I cease to breathe, embedded and buried deep within my heart.

However, when the world is shrouded in mist, and the atmosphere is so bloody that only the stupid are fairly untouched, whilst the sensitive wither like a bug-befouled leaf, my chest rather swells with honour when I see light at the end of the tunnel because of you my Kidd, or do I even entitle you that, because you are now an admirable young man who has acquired such a secure grasp on how to shape civilisation just by being yourself, that calling you a Kidd would be most violating that very essence, although, the fact does remain that regardless of how older you grow, you will still remain, in my heart and soul, my little Kidd . . . my little Danny. And as severe as this may sound, this is also precisely why I am rest assured that even if I were to die, my greatest treasure, you, would be the beacon who would manoeuvre the mislead to the zenith of peace and harmony that they most rightfully need to find themselves in, for god knows that the world needs a healer, and most urgently.


Thus my Dan, a man with such a gifted ability and influence to make a dent, remember that when I close my eyes never to wake up again, live so that your very presence would have made all the difference to mankind. Commit to memory that your alluring lips must speak words of kindness. Your lovely eyes ought to pursue the good in people. For an athletic structure, share your food with the hungry. For beautiful hair, let a child run his fingers through it at least once in a day. For carriage, walk with the knowledge that you will never walk alone. Remember that whether we elders are there with you or not, we leave you a tradition with a future that you will try your best to the tender loving care of human beings, and you will strive that it will never become obsolete. That you will keep in mind that it is not things, but people even more than anything, that have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed and redeemed. Be mindful that these very people will displease you to such irksome levels, whereby you may desire to toss them before the guillotine, yet, never toss anybody out, for everyone who traverses your course does so in order to teach you something of value. Most important of all, bear in mind that if you ever need a helping hand, you must find one at the end of your arm, and the other one, you must use for helping others, always.  

While I wish you the best of everything in life and nothing more my Danny, do not think me callous when I say that I would also like that at different walks of life for you to experience defeat, suffering, struggle, loss – it is these occurrences and their responses, laterally with delight and humour that are rather responsible to provide you a way to find your way out of the depths of delirium. It is these encounters that will help inculcate in you an appreciation, sensitivity, and an understanding of life that would fill you with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen, the trials and tribulations of life make them what they are.

I am infinitely thankful that you exist, my Dan. Now go along and mend the world. It is indeed your forecourt.

In deed and thought
I remain
Your very own
– Farahdeen  


PS: I know, I know, I vowed I would step away and watch quietly, and even then I ended up giving you the longest lecture in the world. For that you officially have the freedom hereon to hold a gun to my temple and pull the trigger (as swiftly and painlessly as possible), as I mouth the last words – But, my Kidd, old habits die-hard, so do I really deserve this? 



Photographs by Izzah Shaheen Malik

I THINK




In today’s times, one observes the male species a bit troubled to commit, specifically to marriage. Not that in the past they felt any different, it is just that today we live in rather fluid times, and there are abundant reasons that gravitate towards men not committing. Loneliness, or confusion about one’s sexual preference is certainly not one of them. What else then, you might ask? Cautious and careful are the two watchwords that withhold men from commitment with the opposite sex, and nearly most of their life sciences seem somehow to revolve around those two factors.

Examined most pragmatically, the roles of men and women have been etched rather befittingly from the inception of mankind: men have been the bread earners, and women, the homemakers. One leading factor to have drilled a hole in the happiness was the woman’s liberation movement, followed by the financial independence that women have obtained in the last couple of decades. This has ruined the pattern that had been followed since centuries. Then again, it is not the fault of women alone. They have been repressed from eons, and it was but natural that they sought respect, and respect, they knew, could be earned if they stood on their own feet, and that would happen if they qualified and educated themselves, and that is what they went about doing. However, somewhere, in the pursuit of practising such unparalleled power, most women have found themselves confused – they have no clue whether they belong to an office, or to their homes, and this has lead to dissatisfaction, conflict, and a crack in something that would have been wonderful had this whole ‘I want equality’ not interfered with the equilibrium chartered out from time immemorial.

I read articles every now and then of people theorising about why something is this or that. I also hear discourses on self-help that say if you do this, this will happen, and if you do that, that will happen. Truth is nothing will happen unless you want it to happen, and you cannot make anything happen until it is the time for it to happen. The rest is nothing but a marketing and money laundering drama.

If I were to cite my own example, I would say that I am now a bit old to get married by conventional Indian standards, and it has nothing to do with my sexual preference – I am perfectly and clearly heterosexual, but what had kept me from letting a woman into my comfort zone for a long time could be attributed perhaps to two possible reasons. My father, besides being born into great wealth, inherited a great fortune as well, and did not consider keeping himself occupied with a day job as it was below the dignity of aristocrats to be caught up in the nitty-gritty of life. If that was not enough of a mental adjustment, my mother, from an equally illustrious ancestry, was unable to handle my father’s indifferent nature, and had to give up her medical profession, which she loved, and dress herself up in the role of the proxy man in order to keep the semblance of the family intact, whilst he sailed, rode horses, barbequed at the exotic farmlands he bought in affluent cities and regularly burnt rubber of his luxurious four wheels. This image had established such asymmetry in me as a child that I found it incredibly tough to cope with changed gender roles, and as a consequence I escaped into a world of my own – my mind palace, as I would term it. In my palace I was free of conflict, and this is the crux of male mentality – they loathe conflict. I did not permit the domestic imbalance distress me and with time the fact was firmly established that it was not my father and mother who were responsible for me in not plunging into matrimonial bliss, (as it was presumed more so by anyone else but them) but it was the grasp of the reality, the truth, the scruples, and art that prevented me from being coerced into anything that my soul did not find relief in. Parents being parents, it was indeed difficult for them to comprehend that as their children we saw life far more clearly than them. 

Next, I asked myself whether I was threatened by commitment? Or whether I was caught between the devil and the deep sea, that to find a woman who would appreciate that I believed in the traditional role play of man the earner, and woman the homemaker, was something that was a bit too far fetched in the twenty first century? My inner voice provided me a negative for both, and I came to realise that when I found the right fit, and my heart and mind said yes, and the similar bells tolled in her heart and mind too, then it were to be a connection built to last.

A friend said that by not having a wife in my life I was missing out on life. Do I ‘really’ think that life would have been any different had there been a woman in my life? Possibly, but, until the one who mattered had put in an appearance, there was no reason to stress myself with what had not happened. “Are you always this pedantic?” she further asked. I didn’t know what to tell her, I mean we have no control over what we are doing this very instant, so how can we know what fate we would meet with in the future. As shrewd as we think we are, and plan for posterity, at least until we live, we should not fool ourselves into believing that the future can hold something glorious because it simply cannot. One must organise one’s life, but one must not go blindly with the flow, since it is only the dead fish that go with the flow. The ones that are alive make their own path.

I don’t think that men in general are frightened of commitment. The smartest of the lot have schooled themselves sufficient enough to safeguard themselves from rushing into things. They have become cautious for they do not have the tolerance to deal with the strain of expectations that loving a woman, in particular a wrong one, would demand of them, and thus, they prefer to be safe than sorry. Also, one must be warned that this notion of negotiating with caution merely because one has been hurt once seems nonsensical. Each situation is different, just as each person is different, so we ought to get rid of comparisons by attempting to emboss one experience over the other. Who knows, in the fuss of letting hurt overpower us, we might just about fail to recognise the one who is meant to be the one for us. Core of the matter is that one must be mindful, but not rigid. One must be sensitive, but not over sensitive. One must be cautious, but certainly not excessively cautious.

I was reading an article that states that the more intelligent the man, the more investigative he is, and the more investigative he is, the more complex he is to get along with. While the people who have arrived at such conclusions would have their points to prove, I find such blanket statements a bit juvenile to digest. I do concur that intelligence confines us from intermingling freely with the multitudes for lack of wavelength, but it is not entirely true that clever people are problematic. Possibly, they are difficult in case they find themselves adjoined in the arms of those who do not stem from their own sensibilities, but otherwise I think it is just their own farsightedness that comes to their rescue. Prudence allows a certain luxury of seeing beyond the obvious, and when those principles are employed with respect to our partners, then the true nature of each other’s interest in one another is revealed most plainly, which indirectly helps in navigating through a relationship with caution. As a result what wisdom does is trigger the conscience to retain an upper hand than mere superficiality, and that is where the notion of ‘intelligent men’ are not prone to being fooled in a relationship has taken birth, when it is nothing but experience and arithmetic at work.

Before I go, I would like to reiterate that it is not sexual confusion as I abovementioned, or the fear of commitment that keeps men from committing. It is just the methodical reasoning that they are gifted with which allows them to remain single until they find somebody of their own liking. They know that a wrong turn could cost them their peace, and this wrong turn seldom happens considering the points discussed above. So the smart ones are single by well-thought-out choice, and certainly not the victims of circumstance.



ODE TO MY BROTHER (On his birthday)



FOR I HAVE GIVEN MY WORD

Ali,
today I sit on the brick bench of the house,
where I am struck with an unending emptiness.
I remember how we used to play at this hour,
and the breeze caressed us and said,
“Love your brotherhood, boys, love your brotherhood.”

Now I shall go and hide
as before, from any admonishing,
and I trust you not to give me away
through the gardens,
the entrance,
the corridors
And later, you hide,
and I promise not to give you away too,
I sincerely promise.
Remember,
how we made ourselves cry my little brother,
from so much laughing!

And then, I went into hiding
one day, just like that,
but, instead of chuckling, you were sad.
And your twin heart, it grew anxious
of those dead evenings
grew annoyed at not finding me.
And now
a shadow falls on my soul.

Listen, Ali, please don’t be late
coming out to get me, all right?
For without you,
your elder brother might just be away,
lost,
from the cry of laughter.
So just come and get me, Ali.
Please.
Just come and get me,
soon,
all right…
because this unending emptiness
is making me sad
and lonely!
For I have given my word
that only death
will take me from you.

~ Farahdeen 


When I had finished writing that poem for my younger brother Ali, who’s birthday happens to be today, I quite miraculously found in my library an edition of A River Runs Through It and Other Stories by Norman Maclean that I was most earnestly hunting for since a year to no luck. It was tucked behind some large volumes of old leather-bound dictionaries that belonged to my grandfather, and in moving them to find something else, I chanced upon this book glancing back at me with such glee. The timeless words of Maclean I was looking for are thus:

“Yet even in the loneliness of the canyon I knew there were others like me who had brothers they did not understand but wanted to help. We are probably those referred to as “our brother’s keepers,” possessed of one of the oldest and possible one of the most futile and certainly one of the most haunting instincts. It will not let us go.”